Friday, September 30, 2011

I'm having an anger trigger. I'm going to answer some questions from a website to try and work through it:

 What am I reacting to?

  • I'm angry about the fact that I've been invited to an interview, where there will probably be loads of people who are 21years old and will probably get the job and I won't I'm angry at the fact that its for an unpaid internship that won't help me in any way at all. I'm angry for the fact that this is the only hope I have
  • What is it that's really pushing my buttons here?

  • I'm angry at the fact that I've not had a proper job since finishing university, and all my friends are successful. It's not for want of trying. Every interview I get doesn't lead me closer to the goal, I just feel like I'm wasting my time, and I'm wasting my effort with optimism. I'm angry at the fact that I'm from a working class background and nothing is working for me.
  • Is this fact or opinion?

  • Some are facts, some are interpretations. Fact: I've not had a decent paying job that can make me independent. Fact: Graduates from 2011 would be 21 years old. Opinion: Optimism is useless, I did get an interview. Opinion: I feel like I'm not welcome because I'm older than most of the graduates. Opinion: I feel worthless because I haven't had a proper job and that I've become stale, or that I've lost my hope.
  • Am I getting things out of proportion? 

  • I don't know to be honest. I'm still feeling really angry, and I'm really pissed off at the fact that this organisation didn't let me in last year.
  • How important is this really? 

  • I need to work. Having a job makes all the difference in the world: AND THIS IS FOR AN UNPAID INTERNSHIP
  • How important will it be in 6 months time? 

  • Depends: will I get a job? Will I get the internship? I feel that the answer to at least one of them is no. I feel the answer to both will be: no
  • What harm has actually been done?

  • This really hurts my self esteem, and it reminds me of the painful fact that the world is unfair, and I deserve better.
  • Am I expecting something from this person or situation that is unrealistic?

  • What's the worst (and best) that could happen?  What's most likely to happen?

  • I won't get the interview, I'll lose £25 from counselling. I'll have a hurt ego, it will affect the rest of my applications, it might make me binge, I'll lose money. I'll feel insecure. Some 21 year old fuck with a BA in media from lancaster or bullshit university will overshadow me and get the role and end up being wildly successful and rise up the social and economic classes, while I work in a menial job that doesn't pay enough for the rest of my life. Is this exercise supposed to make me feel better? It just crystalises my grief
  • Best outcome? I might get the job, they give me a job, and maybe I'll work in policy.
  • Realistic outcome: I go, do okay in the interviews but I still don't get the job.

  • Am I jumping to conclusions about what this person meant?  Am I mis-reading between the lines?  Is it possible that they didn't mean that?

  • Not sure. They invited me because they think I was a good candidate. Application odds probably 1/4 to interview. Realistic interview prospects leading to job? 4*6/50 as a simplified fraction 1/n I guess.
  • What do I want or need from this person or situation?  What do they want or need from me?  Is there a compromise?

  • Is there a compromise? I reschedule the counselling appointment, go to the interview, and get on with my life. I'll try to 'recover' when I don't get the role...
  • What would be the consequences of responding angrily?

  • Back where I begun, except no interview. I guess this is a relevant case of 'better than nothing'.
  • Is there another way of dealing with this?  What would be the most helpful and effective action to take?  (for me, for the situation, for the other person)

  • Reorganise counselling session. Go to interview.


    As I was writing up these answers, I emailed the counselling place. Time will tell...

    My friend Merv

    Dear Diary,

    I  went to a birthday party. It was for a family friend, I may have mentioned him before at the funeral last week (the guy who cried and the adults told him to 'be strong' [read as: man up]). I came late, and I made a very limited appearance. I didn't know most of the people but some were fond family members. There was a big age divide, most of the people were the age of his parents, a couple of teenagers, and then a few 20 something guys (us).

    I got a chance to talk to my friend, he mentioned how at one party a couple of years ago, I managed to get everyone on the dance floor, especially when the crowd was a bit dead. The story is, among a few people of that day, I was the 'ringleader' and 'hero' of the night for doing it. Personally, I didn't even notice, I think the thing that I noticed was dancing with an older woman (but not sexy-older) while she was saying 'thank you for this'. Anyway, this guy reminisced about moments we've had together which I barely noticed, I felt that it was nice that i could have an impact on his wellbeing in that way, especially considering that he's had a hard couple of years since that party.

    A pretty morbid observation was that there was a picture of his dead grandmother on the mantle, not a picture of his grandmother, who happens to be now dead, but a picture of her in deceased status. That was hugely creepy. I remember one time when I found a sellotaped photo album in the shed which had pictures of my dead uncle in a similar light. I had nightmares about it for weeks.Back to my friend, lets call him Merv. Merv likes staring at the ladies, Merv gets away with some pretty sleazy lines when he talks to the ladies. Merv is also kind of depressed, but he's a fighter. As a person who is depressed from time to time, I recognise the strength in him. I hardly have been through an ounce of the shit that he's lived through, and he still keeps going. Merv writes hip hop poetry, and wrote a poem that was recited during the 1 year anniversary that I was in last week (that's why he cried). Merv recently produced a music video about how he is lonely and how he likes girls that don't see the person he is.

    At a certain point this evening, Merv says to me: do you know how I can get away with the shit I say to girls? I asked him in genuine curiosity: how? Merv answered: It's because of the (wheel)chair. Elephant in the room moment!! Merv has cerebral palsy, and stated how most of the girls he meets are 'sorry' for him or treat him in an infantilised way. Merv notes the absurdity of being 24 years old and still seen as a child. The thing about children is that you can ignore them and talk to their parents, the other thing is that they don't see him as a person. They see a chair, with a person on it, but its always through the chair that they see him.

    Merv has lots of battles to fight, and its not solely the fact that he has speech and mobility issues. Being disabled physically and mentally has caused him to be disabled socially. Merv tells me how at his college, they 'didn't let him continue' to study there, Merv tells me about how people tell him about what he can't do in life, and perhaps most poignantly, Merv has lost many dear friends and relatives over the past 20 months. That's the hardest battle he's ever fought. As I got home, I knew that I wanted to write about him for this blog, as my blog serves as ruminations about the day (usually I'm always thinking about myself: selfish bastard!). Thinking about Merv, and his battles, made me initially feel sorry for him. But I then realised that the last thing Merv wants is for anyone to feel sorry for him. So I'm going to not feel sorry for him. I'm not sure if sympathy is the right word, but I wish him well.

    Deep down, I can relate to what Merv's darker thoughts are. I know them because I have them too. The disability I live with is hardly any obstruction to my life compared to what he faces. Merv is only a year younger than me, as an 'able bodied' person I wonder if my relationship with him would be different if he wasn't....I can barely finish the thought. I know what the answer is, and that makes me a very bad and prejudiced person. I feel bad because I think that, and perhaps more so because in his eyes, I'm a nice guy and have caused him to have a few good times.

    I think one of the things I notice in my social interactions is how I am the guy who cheers everyone on, and cheers everyone up. I'm the supportive friend, the cheerleader, the guy who is at your corner. I'm a caring person, and I don't even acknowledge that fact. Anyway, now its time to get on, perhaps sleep: but I don't feel tired enough. I just hope I don't wank myself silly tonight. My penis is quite sore from over-use, I barely feel joy from most of the orgasms I've had this week. I think I'll get a hair cut tomorrow. Now I'm just thinking aloud. Stop it. No  you first, what do you mean you first: I'm the only one here!

    I'm starting to imagine 'her' sitting or standing around me. A voice talking to me, I don't think that 'Mia' is a good enough name.

    Thursday, September 29, 2011

    Dear Diary,

    I applied to 4 jobs yesterday, today I've applied to no-jobs. I looked at a few vacancies and noticed that I'm exempt from applying to them. I spent some of the day waiting for the internet connection to change. The long end of the short story is that my dad changed the subscription provider. I went to the gym and using Fitocracy, decided to so asome different workouts, I decided to take on some of the challenges that the website gives incentives for. Now, I feel a little bit tired, and hungry. The plan for the rest of the evening is to visit a family friend who is having a birthday party. Beyond this, there isn't much that I can say except maybe that my mood has improved, I'm getting a little bit into my strong motivational patterns again (ie. applying to 4 jobs yesterday) and I'm making good progress on my schedule.

    I feel too tired to go downstairs, I could easily just collapse to sleep right now, even though I'm hungry.

    Although I've done a little bit today, there's still just an extra stretch more to go. Just like in the gym. I really gave some pain to my abdominals, I just hope that it equates to a sexier body, a sexier me, a happier me...

    Tuesday, September 27, 2011

    low profile day

    Dear Diary,

    I shall state my day in point format:

    1. I woke up ridiculously early today, because I just collapsed to sleep after work last night. The odd thing is that I  fell asleep at 11pm, why would I wake up early from that?
    2. I then got really tired and ended up sleeping from 11am-4:30pm, I just let it happen, my body needed it
    3. I did badminton today, but no training (I was covering someone who was missing)
    4. Counselling was cancelled today, the counsellor has a 'personal emergency'. I sincerely hope that she's okay, I did feel worried when I got the text, that I kept reading it over and over, I still feel the need to read it over and over as if analysing it will give me more detail. I'm sure she doesn't want to talk about it, and professionally speaking, I shouldn't know either. I can't help but feel concerned for her...
    5. I got my October shifts, I've put them in my diary. I just hope that I can earn some proper money soon. I'll have lots of time to apply to jobs this coming october.
    6. Today has been pretty sunny, excepting the rain that came yesterday, I am quite enjoying the 'Indian' summer. It reminds me of a certain indian summer of 2004, for better and for worse...
    7. Perhaps an additional note: I wrote a lot of academic stuff today. That's quite unusual

    I'm going to have a shower, and maybe eat, then relax for the rest of the day. I can't ask too much of myself today. I feel quite drained, emotionally and physically.

    Monday, September 26, 2011

    Untimely meditations

    Dear Diary,

    A few things are on my mind:

    1. I'm feeling insecure about my belly, and my body in general. 
    2. I'm feeling anxious about the fact that the shirt I'm wearing for work (I'm going in a moment) is already worn and this might be eivdent to anyone who sees it
    3. There's a button on my shirt which looks like it will burst at any moment
    4. I'm worried about money
    5. I'm worried about whether things will really progress on the life front, or the job front. I'm on limbo when I really want to be jet set. FUCK!
    6. I noticed a facebook status update where my ex is having a conversation about me on a picture of me from long ago. Although the comment question was 'who is this hot guy?' she does disclose some personal details about my life to a stranger, and on facebook, and facebook is horrifically public. I am painfully aware about facebook changing and I checked the privacy settings a few days ago. I'm concerned about privacy in an age like this. (I hope this blog isn't identifiable to the person typing it!)
    7. I'm thinking about food. That's the last thing that should be on my mind right now.

    I better head off to work

    8. I have been jerking off too much. I must have had like 5-7 orgasms in the past 30 hours. That's a sign that something is up with my head. Anyway, back to work...

    Machine of change.

    Dear Diary,

    I almost feel that the weekend has passed me by. I had an episode a few days ago, a very bad depressive episode. I think that I've recovered from it now. Looking back at my plan, I have been trying to apprehend the past few days. My most immediate memory does not serve me well. A review of the past week says that I've applied to 8 jobs, I've trained 3 times, I've walked about 18 miles, slept in the box room for a few days, did some manscaping and I've managed to overcome the stupour of what happened the other day. I've done other little things: I've tidied up my social networking presence, created an official 'twitter' for people who want to search me for job interview purposes and I've set quite a number of job applications over the next few weeks.

    For the coming few days, I hope to keep up my levels of motivation, I hope to keep records of all my activities and I hope to make things better. That's been my whole goal for the past...2 years and it hasn't brought the results I've wanted. I've never worked this hard in my life, not with this amount of organisation and self-maintenance. Shaving my body hair or tidying my room, clearing records and following up issues was never my thing, I was always obsessed with the next deadline, the next immediate problem, but that helped my anxiety in a way that was relevant to then, that kind of approach would not help me now. I have too many facets to deal with at any given time.

    In some instances I feel like a super efficient machine. I just hope that I am a machine of aspiration A machine of change, a machine that people will find intimidating. I am a self-improving machine. I will force the future that I need.

    Saturday, September 24, 2011

    Living room thoughts

    Dear Diary,

    Today I have not done especially a large amount of things, but after my 'stumble' of yesterday, I think that I'm doing a lot better. I feel pretty motivated, so motivated, in fact that I sent off three applications (technically, its two yesterday, one today on saturday). I didn't count one of them because I sent it half-arsed. Anyway, I've sent two applications off today and done a little bit of job searching. Anthing thing which I've done is that I've set up an external monitor to alienware and I have set up a temporary base of operations in the downstairs living room because some relatives are sleeping over and using my bed (and thus, my room) tonight, and probably this weekend.


    I am in the sitting room. This room gives me strange memories. II spent my 'A' levels in this room. I spent most of my teens in this room practicing piano. Before the days of having a laptop (I inherited my dad's laptop before I started uni in 2004), I spent all of my computer time in this living room. It's changed over the years invariably. I have a big shelf full of books behind me, there must be ahundred or so, with another hundred in the shed outside. They are all mine, I've read probably half of them. 1/3rd of what I read I probably read in audiobook form even though I have the actual book version of it. Being in this room is strange. I'm getting lots of memories about when I started university, I remember these things so vividly that it could almost be as if I am living it right now.

    Why I am thinking about university is probably because I've been watching that channel 4 comedy series 'Fresh Meat'. It's making me uncomfortable if I'm honest. The fact that the comedian Jack Whitehall is in fact 2 years younger than me and he's already successful and a staple media profile depresses me to no end (he's an actor in the series). Another thing that is on my mind is the juxtaposition of what this living room means to me, and the recent memories that I am triggering off. I loved the time that I spent in this living room. I made myself into the person that I take for granted: intelligent, well read, determined. The activities in this room made me who and what I am. However, the experiences in the late part of 2004 also made me who I am now, the negative experiences gave me a different source of identity, in terms of my determination and my self concept.

    Laura once said to me to forget about the past and reminded me that I could make new memories. I'm a person who is vastly different to the past selves of my teenaged self and my depressed university self. I'm not glorious or successful or high achieving as they are, but I'm doing a lot of dirty work. The past selves never wanted to get down to the dirty. I'm doing job searches, reading articles and writing covering letters. It's not glamorous, and in a sense I've lost much of my ambition and wider vision over the nitty-gritty. Perhaps I've compromised my ideals over my plans for the next few days. A part of me wants to say I've lost a very important part of me. Another part wants to say that I've grown.

    I think I should say right now that I'm talking to an imaginery female voice in my head. The visions are getting more vivid. I'm creating the fantasy. Yes, she's an imaginery friend, someone I talk to because I have no one else to be honest with. Mia is different to most people in that she talks back, and often says something uncomfortable for me to acknowledge. This probably sounds fucked up, mental even, but it helps me. I've also forgotten how wonderful a desktop desk is, and a large LCD screen instead of my laptop screen. It makes my plans look cooler than on an 11'

    I think I might sleep now

    Thursday, September 22, 2011

    Dear Diary,

    I'm feeling quite depressed today. I remember how Despair feels. I remember it quite vividly now.

    I'm not sure how I'm going to sail through this. I'll try. I feel like I've emotionally regressed. After that call today, I felt that everything I've been struggling for has been rolled back. I'm rolled back to being 18 again emotionally. That vulnerable, lonely mess of what I was. If I have depression again, I'm not quite sure how I'm going to cope. I don't want a downward spiral. I was really hoping to get a job by October. FUCK, FUCKING FUCK, WHY CAN'T I FUCKING MAKE IT FUCKING WORK.

    !!! maybe that's what my higher functioning self would do...

    Dear Diary,

    I didn't get the job. I suppose I should have known. I'm quite upset about it. Yesterday I was talking about how I'm not good at talking about when I feel down. I suppose it is because talking about feeling down perpetuates the feeling. I'm so reluctant to perpetuate the feeling entirely because I'm trying to fight it when I feel it. I wasn't always like that, but I would dwell. Not to say that I don't dwel, but I suppose I realise there is an extent to which I feel it doesn't help.

    I feel angry. I suppose that's easier to face than feeling disappointed, easier than feeling vulnerable. Why can't it work out for me? I've been trying really hard.I wish that I had my break. I feel like crying, or maybe purging. If nobody is in the house right now I think I'll purge. I'm so fucking fat I hate it, the more weight I lose, the more I realise how I need to be even more thin. I fucking hate how my belly is portruding out a few inches. I fucking hate my large thighs, it's not all muscle and I want to get rid of the unnecessaries.

    I don't know how to face myself in the mirror right now. I don't know how to face the world. All this rejection makes me feel like I'm not wanted.I'm just dead weight. I'm writing this post as a way to escape, as a means to perhaps one might say, vent. I feel the same way when I'm sitting in the toilet. Whether purging or not. What do I do for the rest of the day? It feels so hard to just continue, as if I'm not affected. I am affected. Maybe that's my challenge. Maybe I'll feel better later on after I've processed emotionally. Presume rationality when nothing makes sense. Maybe that's what my higher functioning self would do...

    !!!! more memories of 2004

    One of the hardest things I find is to admit vulnerability. But in a reasonable sense, not so much to say 'oh I'm a victim/martyr look how heroic I am', but more to see the good mixed with the bad. So here's my attempt. I had great friends, I was a great friend, I was smart. I thought that's all I needed. Then I started university. I fell apart. I realised I needed life skills: deal with the unexpected, have adult relationships, not frame your present on the past, not have too many specific expectations with no plan. Stop trying to fit the mould of everybody else. I'm getting all sorts of triggers at the moment. Listening to Alan Bennett's play reminds me too much of this time in 2004, just about to start university. I was all on my own, completely culture shocked.

    If I did it differently, I would:

    • Tried to do more things, even if I hated myself for it or felt scared that I didn't know anyone
    • Tried counselling earlier
    • Told people that I was having a problem
    • Went to the doctors sooner
    • (I've just had a trigger in typing up this list)

    (writing in stream of consciousness) Thinking about my mindset then, I can completely recall the feelings, but not with the words to describe it. I felt scared. I was afraid. I felt alone. I missed the old days. I finally realised that the old days had died. I'm no longer the prefect, the school I left has moved on. Emotionally speaking, I didn't move on. I was too afraid to move on because it meant in some way letting go.

    This must sound really strange that I'm talking about this. That I'm always talking about the past. Please let me talk about this. What happened defined so much of afterward. What happened defined my pessimism, my depression, my anxiety, my hopelessness. With counselling I've had a good effort in trying to understand my anxiety. I've not had very good tries at explaining my depression. Most difficult is trying to accept my hopelessness (i'd rather not to be honest).

    The day before freshers sunday when I moved in, I stayed over at a family friend's. I've known them all my life and they lived near Bristol. I kind of chose the university because I've been to the city a few times because they lived nearby. Seeing them was kind of like a symbol: they were familiar, and part of a symbolic transition: the last minute saloon to becoming a student. I feel overwhelmed right now. If I said I felt overwhelmed by sadness, I'm not sure that really captures it. I feel lonely, isolated, stuck. I'm stuck in the past right now. But I'm also stuck in taht mental moment. Phenomenologically speaking, I can feel the contours of emotion of that time.

    On the sunday that I moved into halls, I stayed in that night. There was a hall bar, and 'everyone' seemed to have been in there. I felt tired and didn't want to go. I also felt scared, vulnerable and drained. In fairness, the me of this age and time period would probably have done the same. My anxiety and experiences have taught me not to go full on to social situations all the time. Save a bit of energy, of breath for yourself. The next day, everyone seemed to have paired up with their new friends. I felt like I was left out. I felt like everybody had their friends, made their cliques and allegiances, and I was like always, the last to be picked on the football team. Perhaps it was even worse than that: I didn't even exist to them.

    That feeling still sticks with me today, it still haunts me. It feels like every day of my life is that feeling, and many experiences that I have justify and give evidence to that feeling I have. At work I feel it, in interviews I feel it, with social situations I feel it. I'm that cunt who didn't have the balls to make friends and join a clique at university. That first day defined my mindset. But lets be honest: one day doesn't define a person's social status...does it? I don't think so, not among reasonable adults. Among kids in school/college mindsets - maybe, and that's the mindset I was thinking in. It may also have been the mindset those 18 year olds were thinking in as well.

    I feel like an outsider. I felt like an outsider.

    I need someone to talk to.

    Wednesday, September 21, 2011

    17 going on 26

    I've just finished listening to an audio play of Alan Bennett's 'The History Boys'. This work has shocking resonance to my life. It reminds me of my music class, the UCAS struggle, and the angst between being really bright and full of potential, with being let down by yourself in life. Listening to this play has given me a fondness of those memories of when I was a 17 year old boy. I was an interesting person, I was a very different person to how I am now. I am probably a disappointment to the person that had so much potential. I'm a little bit saddend by the ending. The characters all had underwhelming lives, or lived filthily rich. A couple made it good. But the ones you expected, didn't. I have a sympathy for the teacher Irwin, and Posner. Posner is insecure and a minority of many kinds (gay, jewish etc). Posner becomes the one that internalises all the lessons of Irwin and then becomes an underwhelming failure. Wikipedia quotes:


    Mrs Lintott describes Posner as living a lonely life with several breakdowns, living off an allotment, keeping "a scrapbook of the achievements of his one-time classmates" and having "a host of friends... though only on the internet, and none in his right name or even gender". She concludes by saying "He has long since stopped asking himself where it went wrong".


    This sounds scary. The final lines of the play: Pass it on boys, that's the name of the game. Pass it on.

    I dont think i've really been touched by anything lately as strongly as this. Maybe that episode of house when he finally got cuddy, but that's lowbrow by comparison. It's given me much to reflect: being a 25 year old, or a 17 year old, 8 years on...

    Disappointment by default

    Dear Diary,

    It was a pretty long day yesterday, and it wasn't that I was starved of thoughts, but just too tired to comment. The next day has come and I'm off to work now. On reflection, I probably didn't get that job that I was interviewed for yesterday. The employers said that they would deal with it by today. If I don't hear anything, that means the usual. Disappointment is my default, my familiar, ironically, my comfort. It would be nice to get the job for once. Maybe September would be my good month for interviews, my lucky month, even.

    So today is another shift at work. I think this will take up most of my day. It's dreary today, which should be the norm from now on. I hate the transition to the cold months, I was just getting used to the lovely sunshine, then school starts, university starts for others and its the same old september for everyone else. Politics starts again, and the political season of conferences. Life goes on: at least for others.

    Another thing that I might note of today is that my latest weight check is 5lbs down from my last reading. I've not made a note of the readings in recent days. I've had bowel trouble. That means the overall loss is 3lbs. I shuppose that's a good thing.


    Almost to the 200lb mark. I still have lots of work to do, and judging by yesterday: I have lots more upper body to work on. Lower body is coming along okay

    Tuesday, September 20, 2011

    Some calculations

    Caloric expenditure of walking (before going to gym): 642

    Overall calories burned from working + training + badminton: 1416

    Distanced walked today (estimation): 8.04mi

    I think it was a pretty good day. I'm tired as fuck right now. I think I might just have a second helping of dinner, have a shower and conk off to bed. Little tired to talk. I did that in counselling.

    I'd pat myself on the back, but my shoulder hurts.

    Some calculations

    Caloric expenditure of walking (before going to gym): 642

    Overall calories burned from working + training + badminton: 1416

    Distanced walked today (estimation): 8.04mi

    I think it was a pretty good day. I'm tired as fuck right now. I think I might just have a second helping of dinner, have a shower and conk off to bed. Little tired to talk. I did that in counselling.

    I'd pat myself on the back, but my shoulder hurts.

    Monday, September 19, 2011

    A good day in a world of low expectations

    Dear Diary,

    Today I woke up with a good feeling. No, this isn't a story which ends with me getting a job offer. Now I've killed your expectations, let's start the story properly.

    Today I woke up with a good feeling. I thought to myself: Today I can make a difference. Today I can get a lot done, and then relax. In a sense, I suppose that is the essence of what my day was today. I got up as I do most days, then I explored an alternative to shaving with a razor, using my trimming electric razor I shaved down to about 1 day stubble. While it is much better to have a completely shaved face, my lazy self managed to go to one day stubble easily, and it made my day a little bit easier. Sometimes if I feel sweaty, or my facial hair is a bit too much (when I'm not in beard growing season), I feel let down by my mood and less motivated.

    At the moment I feel a little motion-sick. I've been playing a game for a little longer than one should. Let's go backwards. I was playing Assassins creed after I prepped for my interview. For my interview I've set an itinerary for tomorrow: get to tube, tube route, how to get to interview building, what I should know, phone numbers to call and a set of options for after the interview. I won't have enough time to get home and then relax before counselling, so I might just burn the time in some other way. Before I prepped, I made some spag bol with quorn, and watched an episode of house. I had the house to myself (no pun intended) as my parents were out. I went to the gym earlier today, after applying to two jobs, setting up a job application profile (leading to another application, but can't finish it today) and then I did a lot of job searching. I counted 6 achievements today. I think that's pretty good.

    Tomorrow is another day. Here's to hoping it will be a good one.

    My head hurts and I'm horny. Good night

    Friday, September 16, 2011

    dear diary,

    there is that old saying: those in glass houses should not throw stones. I have little to say, I just feel exhausted. I would much prefer just to lay in bed. I would much prefer just to do nothing, I would much prefer not to deal with my problems, it seems just too hard to cope right now. I remember when my anxiety was really bad. I felt that I wasn't ready to do the things that I had to do, and it was excruciating to have to force myself to do them. Everything was in a rush, everything was urgent. I was wearing myself out, and I knew that I wasn't even working in an optimal fashion.


    I don't know.

    I need to get out of bed, prepare for the day and then face life.

    Thursday, September 15, 2011

    My parents are arguing downstairs. it's making me anxious. I spent much of my recovering hangover listening to 'Ecce Homo'. I'm off for a walk. I'm feeling a bit down today. I wish my parents could sort it out. I wish my family could sort it out

    Dear Diary,


    It's the morning after the night before. On balance, I think that I'm doing not so badly. I think that I'll go for a walk. I also think that I'll try to take things a little bit easier today. I'm feeling a bit off. Alcohol hinders my judgment often, and I am well aware of that when drunk, so I try to behave myself. I suppose at the time it seems funny, but sometimes being drunk can also be a very dark experience and ceases to be funny, especially when one is acting 'humorous' cf the notion of a sick joke.

    So I slept in bed for probably 8-9 hours, most of the alcohol has worn off. Now the rest of my day shall be 'as normal', or as far as normal can get. My brain is a little distracted with things today. I need to spend more effort at focusing. Anyway, now I should get on with my day. I clearly opened this blogging window to try and say something insightful, and I've lost my train of thought. Perhaps that is more telling than anything.

    When I 'accidently' vomited last night, it did remind me of how wonderful purging used to be.

    Off to my day!

    Dear Diary,


    I got pretty drunk tonight. So drunk that I threw up in the toilet last night. I was about to put a 'funny' facebook message on a friend's wall (conducive to my drunkenness), but I then realised that I received an email telling me that I didn't get the job last week. As drunk as I can get, that message really hit me into sobriety. Nothing is funny right now. Instead I feel like a clown who took a joke too far. I realise with that job rejection the difference between artefice and core. Reality and illusion. The reality is that I didn't get the job. The artefice, the illusion is the appearance of feeling joyous when I'm drunk.

    In a sense, the joke is on me. Everyone gets on with their life, their job. I don't. I didn't get the job. Its the story of my life all over again. I'm broken, beaten, exhausted for tonight. Alcohol is not my refuge as I thought it might be, it is my curse. Sobriety will come tomorrow. Disappointment will come tomorrow. How will I face myself? How will I face what I am.

    If I weren't drunk, I'd feel utterly disappointed. If I weren't drunk I'd feel utterly lonely. This is me saying goodnight. This is me trying to put a brave face.How do I honestly feel? I feel sad, disappointed, let down by myself. I feel like a failure. I feel like purging.

    Wednesday, September 14, 2011

    After reading through what I've just written, it sounds more optimistic than I expected.

    Dear Diary,

    I've realised that I've only applied to ONE job over the past week. I've not been very forthright in my job hunt. I've been lazy in that regard. In other regards I have not been lazy: I've been trying to juggle finances, I've created a bank account and I've had a bit of a social life. On my mind in recent days is the outcome of the interview that I had last week. Part of me (more than a small part) is hoping, almost even expecting an email telling me that I've got the job. In fact, I know that once I'm told that I don't have the job (an outcome that always happens), I'll have a massive crash and feel pretty shit about myself. I had a moment earlier where I seriously thought about purging.

    So what's happening today? Today I got the cheque for selling my DVDs, I'm planning to go out later as well. I've also sent one job application and did a bit of job searching as well. Another plan which I have today is to send off the shift list for October to my boss. I have lots of tasks on my schedule, and I'm going through them pretty quickly. I suppose I can't ask much more of myself than that. I might take a little break now, then take a walk to the bank. I'm tempted to finish my day early on the basis of meeting up with some friends for the planned sojourn tonight. I don't want to give the impression of compromising my tasks, though. I must not be complacent, I must not be lazy.

    Speaking about not being lazy. I did pretty well at the gym yesterday. I did an intensive session with mostly weights and calisthenics. Afterward I did some badminton practice with my neighbours. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be able to play with them. That would be really nice. I've never been one for sports (because of my disability), but now that I'm getting a little better at badminton, its helping my hand-eye co-ordination (my disability) and its giving me a sense of confidence. I'm also combining my new-found physical fitness as well. Perhaps this will open a new lifestyle for me.

    Okay. Back to my day. After reading through what I've just written, it sounds more optimistic than I expected.

    Monday, September 12, 2011

    A middling day

    Dear Diary,

    I feel that I haven't done very much today at all, most of the things 'happened to me' more than as a result of being proactive. Lets talk about what I've been up to:

    1. I caught up on reading articles from last week
    2. A *little* bit of job searching
    3. Cleaning up my HDD
    4. Creating a new (and week long) playlist of music
    5. I went to work (little bit of awkwardness with a single member of the team who is too uppity for her own good)
    6. I was invited to an interview next week.

    I suppose things that have been on my mind are:

    1. Feeling down about poor prospects RE: Social mobility (listening to podcast by Owen Jones, author of 'Chavs')
    2. I felt nervous around cute girl at work, I think there are evident signs that she likes me
    3. I feel a bit tired, but I have eaten a fairly normal amount of food today.
    4. While at work, I have been thinking about the past 3-4 days which have basically amounted to no job searches. I went out on Saturday, recovered on Sunday. I didn't do applications on Friday
    5. My energy levels are fluctuating extremely, or perhaps a better word than 'fluctuate' is that i'm feeling very tired. I'm still maintaining weight rather than losing it over the past few days, which is partly to be expected, and it is a necessary part of healthy weight loss. It's not fluctuating in the sense that its going up and down, its just more like having down moments, even more down moments and then 'the absence of down'.
    6. I've spent most of my day isolated since getting home. I've made almost no human contact. That fact brings me down a little bit

    All in all, I think that I've done a reasonable amount, I wish that I did more, but I've cleared a path for future days. I think that this week will be more busy than most.

    Sunday, September 11, 2011

    One less problem

    Dear Diary

    I'm back from a night out. It's nearly 6 am. I have a 'crew' of guys that I usually hang out with. It is like a buddy movie, we all have different roles. There's the bold one, the smart one, the cute one, and the crazy one. In fairness, we aren't all the same roles all the time. We had a pretty savage night out, I didn't get drunk, although I did throw up in the corridor of my mate's building. It's nice to have nights out with friends. It wasn't so nice being on the night bus and hearing very loud people from differing areas of the community being overbearing in their loud conversations. We had a strange latina lady talk to us (notably from the club we came from earlier). We also had a group of generic Eastern European types who seemed scary and loud but they were probably big softies, there was a moment when one of them jumped back into the bus after exiting.

    Perhaps the most bizarre group were the people singing gospel songs really loudly. I couldn't tell if they were for real  or were being ironic. Why would evangelical Christians get wasted in Stockwell on a saturday night? Didn't think that met their notion of Godliness. My anxiety was spiking at points this evening, but it was manageable. Having the new insole in my shoe helped. Its an odd thing to note as an emotional support but it was one thing among many. You see, when I didn't have the insole, my gait was affected, it would affect my walking, my posture and at a club, my ability to move in dance like motions. I had less pain, therefore less sense of inadequacy, less anxiety: less sense of self-consciousness, less to worry about. I was also thinner, again, it was 'one less thing' to worry about.

    I realise that I cant sort out everything to get better in my life at once.I can however, work on little things, and if there is 'one less problem' I'd much benefit from it. That's how I used to see purging: one less problem. Is it notable that I take this approach to my anxiety and dealing with social situations? I've done enough thinking for a good while, I've done more than my share of cash spending.I'd give myself a break on whether I ate too much. At least I didn't get drunk. One less problem...that's an interesting approach.


    I want to add a supplemental comment. Today my multicultural group of friends went to a latin american party, on the way home we were among a fairly multicultural group in the bus home. We were all having a good time, maybe some people were overbearing but meant well.. In the 10th Anniversary of september 11th 2001, celebrating a free way of life among people of different backgrounds is perhaps a symbol of what makes British society so great.I think that I'm going to sleep. The sunrise has caught me up.

    Here's to the memory of lives lost on that terrible day in New York and Somerset Country as well as in Washington. I have fond feelings for the United States, I was there not long before the attacks on the 11th. The fear that it could have been me on a connect flight is unthinkable. I live in relative peace and safety; security and (even though I'm underpaid) comfort. I might sound flippant but our way of showing the terrorists won't win is by carrying on as usual. People have fun, maybe even make mistakes. It's our priviledge to with the freedoms we have.


    Friday, September 9, 2011

    Dear Diary,

    Today I didn't wake up as depressed as yesterday. I have completed tasks for which if I hadn't done them it would be on my head constantly, namely: I've cleared up and confirmed certain bank documents after receiving a whole lot of paperwork. I then cleared up about 4-5 months of receipts, basically it involved all of my finances over the summer. Now I've cleared a lot more of the day. I am thinking about doing the gym today. My energy levels are very low today, so I might make a half-session or a less stringent session at the gym. Tomorrow I have a meet up/party situation going on, so I have to clear a lot of the day. I also have to clear time for two three shifts at work, and I have seemingly even sorted my training days. I said this yesterday so maybe it seems more disingenuous: I'm going to take it a little bit easier today. I want to go for a walk. If that means I end up walking to the gym, so be it. I'm going to take the rest of the day a little more casually. All the paper sorting has gotten to me a bit, bloody retail banking...

    Here's to a good weekend, all the same

    Thursday, September 8, 2011

    Dear Diary,


    I cleared a lot more of the tasks. All the job searching, leisurely research tasks, reading of articles, and browsing prospective applications have numbered to 75 tasks. I almost feel that I've done everything I can today. I feel quite tired and hungry, but I also feel guilty every time I get to the kitchen. I guess there are all sorts of other tasks I could busy myself with. I'm just being a busybody today, it feels like I'm going nowhere, like I'm endlessly commiting to tasks like a dedicated idiot. In fairness, my schedule looks just a little bit clearer. Until tomorrow's tasks are released, at least.

    Dear Diary,


    I feel a bit better. Now I am upright, and fed, I realise that there is a bloody lot of things to do today. Having a late start today was something my body needed, but there is no rest for the wicked. I've got lots to do today!!


    On with it. I just wanted to say after the last message, I'm feeling a little better, I have a lot to fight against today, but I'm fighting now.

    I am feeling depressed today

    • Colleagues were arguing last night, it made me feel uncomfortable, and today I suppose its affecting me too. One group was complaining that the other didn't tell them about the canapes that were upstairs when we were working.The canape group were complaining that no one from downstairs came to replace them (I was technically part of the first group [before the canape incident]) and then the second group (when we didnt relieve them) as my position in the shift wasn't needed by the second half of the event. I don't know why I felt the need to talk about that, it's been on my mind and makes the work environment uncomfortable, even when I'm a neutral party to the group. It just makes me think: what do they say about me if they are like that to each other? That makes me feel down
    • My black cords for work were falling down, belt or no belt, 36 2008 uniqlo trousers are no longer fit for purpose. A new me needs fitting clothes. It felt weird that the trousers were hanging from just a bit under my waist, rather than my hips. Losing more weight is making the distinction between hips and waist a bit more marked. I'd love to have those hips that male models have where it shows through their thorax. Is my terminology right? Losing weight makes me more aware of my body, and other people's bodies as well. I become self critical, and by extension, critical of others. I'd love to be one of the 'beautiful people' instead of being from the 'ugly table' in a party.
    • I'm not feeling very good today. I'm feeling a bit depressed. It's a weird thing for me to say. I found it difficult as an expression, when people said they felt depressed, for me that term meant nothing, because that's how I felt ALL THE TIME. It's like saying 'I'm breathing', who gives a shit? It happens to me all the time. But today, however, I feel it stronger than most days. Maybe I'm worn down, I also realised that it may even be my blood-sugar levels are quite low. I'm going to make some food to resolve that. Food may resolve my mood. It's brain chemistry.

    I may have had other things to say, but I don't really care right now. I struggled to get my clothes on, get out of bed, put the laptop on the table and type this blog. As ar as I'm concerned, that's more than I expected of myself about 15 minutes ago. Now I'm ready to start eating again. Sometimes it takes a lot of emotional effort for me to eat. It's fair to say that even though I don't have fingers down my throat, I still have 'issues' with food.

    Wednesday, September 7, 2011

    I'm trying to change it. Question is: am I really going anywhere?

    Dear Diary,

    I've not written a proper entry for a while now, I think. I have some time to reflect as I've set more than enough time to prep for my interview. Last night I was imagining how awesome it would be to have a real life again, not having to justify myself constantly and embrace the good things in life. I was only mildly thinking that this kind of reflection is bad because I haven't got the job yet, and I never do. However, as I always say about many jobs, 'I have a good feeling about this one'.

    It would be such a nice posh job, working in Victoria, in an old English building, being the office grunt and least senior member there. I think my ex is seeing someone again, it never takes too long for her. I shouldn't be surprised, I guess I just wanted to cuddle her again. I'm lonely. In counselling yesterday I talked about a lot of very intimate things, things which I would normally find extremely difficult. "It's easy to put up barriers", I said to her, "what's really hard is to admit of one's flaws and vulnerabilities". Over the past few days, my weight stagnation is changing a little bit. I've lost a few more lbs. It's slow progress but I'll take anything these days.

    I may have mentioned that a few years ago, I kept my old skinny clothes in storage 'in case the day may come'. I almost forgot about those clothes until last week, when I started wearing some of them. I also started wearing smaller trouser sizes. I could wear 36 but only at a stretch, so I wore 38 with a belt. Depending on the clothing retailer, I'm a comfortable 36, or a loose 36, for one pair of gap cords, I'm a loose 34?! Tdoay is the first time I'm wearing a smaller chest size for my dress shirt. I'm pretty proud of my changing body.

    It would be such a wonderful opportunity were I able to find time to have more fun, or go on holiday, or get laid! Man, I'd love to get laid, however something about 'come over to my parents house discreetely with a cum soaked pillow' doesn't speak of greatness. Improvements start from the smallest places, my weight loss is a good one, I need to work on my anxiety, confidence, and income now. It's time for me to start living like a real person. I feel the inadequacies deep within me. Another observation is that summer is over. There's no Indian Summer this year, its just getting more cold and more rainy, until it becomes such a routine phenomena that by the time you realise its already November and the fashion world is talking about their 'spring range 2012'.

    I'm typing here because I'm lonely, I don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone that I know, knows me as a certain kind of person, they know me in a role. I'd love to just be the real me, I'm less glamorous or intelligent or sexy as I might appear to some people. I'm probably smarter than other people think I am, and I'm more determined than I'd like to believe, fo course I always need proof. My activities are proof, my weight loss and developing ab muscles are proof. There was once a me who used to believe that perseverence and massive amounts of effort and skill took you places. What happened? I got depressed and overworked.

    I wish there was something I could say right now to lift my mood, or find some inner resolvement of character that will strengthen my mettle, but there isn't. I'm scared that the interview will go badly as usual. I really want this role. I just realised something now, 1st september 2007, I'm almost glad that I've forgotten, I deleted it from my records a couple of months ago, so I won't remember it close to the time (in case I trigger). It's been a long time since those days. I'm still living from its consequences, from its destruction. I'm trying to make it right, I'm trying to change it. Question is: am I really going anywhere?

    Now I'm off to the interview. I'll probably post on here later today about something else. Do you think that a 3/4 trench is too much to wear today? It is post-summer...hmm

    Tuesday, September 6, 2011

    'each next one will be the one I get'

    Dear Diary,


    I'm going to be succinct because I'm tired right now. Monday was a pretty good day. I applied to 4 jobs, did some job searching, I then decided to go to the gym (even though I didn't need to in my training routine), as I got home, I felt pretty good about myself, not only has my working out brought decent results over my body, I felt pretty good, I felt an earned sense of fatigue as I got home. I then noticed that I've been invited to an interview, its a pretty decent role: charity-slash-thinktanky job, plus there are real responsibilities, as well the pay I think is a bit over 20k, all in all, not bad.

    If there was a day where I'd pat myself on the back, this might be it, this is the second interview within a week. that's prospective. I need to keep pushing, I know my regular pattern: I don't get the job, I feel down, then I slow down my regular pace for the rest of the month. It's funny, because I've only just gotten over the disappointment from the interviews I had in July. I had so much hope for them...I guess I feel each next one will be the one I'll get.

    I've been looking at things I'd love to do, things that would give me a social life. If I could afford it, that is. I think I've made plans for when I start working full-time. Plans on how to start living.

    Anyway, I'm overly tired. As I got home from the gym earlier today, I thought to myself that I'd do the bare minimum of scheduling (I need to reorganise times as the interview cuts into my application time). I did that, but no more (as in clearing time). I spent the past 3 hours or so playing Mass Effect 2. I'd rather relax and find time to chill, than focus on the schedule all the time. This laptop is no longer 'new', but it is becoming like a second skin. It's beautiful, and it suits me.

    Now I'm off to relax some more. Tomorrow brings a better day. Tomorrow brings a busy day.

    'each next one will be the one I get'

    Dear Diary,


    I'm going to be succinct because I'm tired right now. Monday was a pretty good day. I applied to 4 jobs, did some job searching, I then decided to go to the gym (even though I didn't need to in my training routine), as I got home, I felt pretty good about myself, not only has my working out brought decent results over my body, I felt pretty good, I felt an earned sense of fatigue as I got home. I then noticed that I've been invited to an interview, its a pretty decent role: charity-slash-thinktanky job, plus there are real responsibilities, as well the pay I think is a bit over 20k, all in all, not bad.

    If there was a day where I'd pat myself on the back, this might be it, this is the second interview within a week. that's prospective. I need to keep pushing, I know my regular pattern: I don't get the job, I feel down, then I slow down my regular pace for the rest of the month. It's funny, because I've only just gotten over the disappointment from the interviews I had in July. I had so much hope for them...I guess I feel each next one will be the one I'll get.

    I've been looking at things I'd love to do, things that would give me a social life. If I could afford it, that is. I think I've made plans for when I start working full-time. Plans on how to start living.

    Anyway, I'm overly tired. As I got home from the gym earlier today, I thought to myself that I'd do the bare minimum of scheduling (I need to reorganise times as the interview cuts into my application time). I did that, but no more (as in clearing time). I spent the past 3 hours or so playing Mass Effect 2. I'd rather relax and find time to chill, than focus on the schedule all the time. This laptop is no longer 'new', but it is becoming like a second skin. It's beautiful, and it suits me.

    Now I'm off to relax some more. Tomorrow brings a better day. Tomorrow brings a busy day.

    Sunday, September 4, 2011

    Dear Diary,


    Last night I had a moment of terror, at the realisation (which perpetually haunts me) that I have not achieved enough in my life and that I need to make more happen. I woke up a little later than usual (night terrors affect my sleep) and I applied to 5 jobs by 3pm and did some searching. I did it to quell my anxiety. If I can keep up that pace, I'll have more to show for myself, maybe. I wasn't in a good head space. There's nothing more I can say about it really, its just actions and keeping it up. The next morning when I woke up (well, this morning), I found my weight was down a little more, then I had a poo ( a sign that more loss is to come). I've been to the gym 3 times this week, I've applied to 10 jobs, I've had one interview. I can't pat myself on the back. I just need to accept what I've done and do better next week.


    I can imagine my counsellor saying that I dont give myself a break. I don't deserve a fucking break because I'm a FAILURE.

    Maybe the next week will bring better results. I've got a lot of anger in me at the moment. Mia has been talking to me, I've been talking back to her. I'm quite lonely. I'm not very eloquent about my moods right now.

    Thursday, September 1, 2011

    An active day sounds like this...

    Dear Diary,

    Today I woke up with a sense of dread. Mainly because I have to withdraw from my ISA account, again. I hate when that happens. On a positive note, I can at least say that I've made an alternative bank account (which will come in handy for savings purposes - if I start earning for a proper job. I also went training after I came out of the banks. That counts as 3 tasks right there. I worked pretty hard during training, I can still feel my cardio burn now. I shorted out during the rowing as I really maxed out during the weights and calisthenics.

    I have an admission to make, there was a cute girl 2 mats away from me doing some yoga stuff, she was barefoot. I have a foot fetish and I stayed a bit longer to get a peek. Yes I'm a perv, but at least it got me engaging with my abs a little more. A friend of mine recommended a site: fitocracy, it's pretty good, among all of my friends I've got the highest level so far. But these things can always change. I might start playing it until my friends have forgotten about it and I'm still working on my fitness. Its not as fun logging on sites like that when there is no 'yield. In the morning I was offered an extra shift for next week (that's 4 things of note). Then I did a job search as per most days (5), then applied to two jobs, and an internship. I decided to not label the internship as a proper job, so I've made one a grey task and two greens.

    My counsellor asked me a question: who cheers you up? I was dumbstruct at the lack of an answer. I need to think about it. I think today counts as a productive day. I even read a few audiobook chapters as well. I'd give myself a pat on the back, but maybe after I put a few consecutive 'busydays' behind me over the coming days.

    Who says I don't always have good news.

    In other news: my weight is still stagnant, and I'm feeling a little lonely. I called a girl today, she's a friend, but we flirt. Upcoming on the girl-dar: I've been texting an 'older lady' and exchanging very dirty messages (sometimes I shudder at the women I attract - I'd never tell anyone this), I may also see my ex. I have almost just forgotten but this is around the time I broke up with her. I hate remembering things like that. Maybe I'll just play more Mass Effect 2 this evening. But first, supper...


    Ugh, bring on the autumn :(

    Dear Diary,


    I'm busy right now so I'll distill my thoughts in three simple sentences:

    1. I'm concerned about money

    2. I'm feeling a bit down about my job search and my prospects for job situation

    3. My weight loss is slowing down. No, I've not 'gained' weight, but my rate of weight loss has stagnated lately. It doesn't help that I've not been working lately, either.