Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Doing a Mark Corrigan

Two things I've immediately decided

1. I'm going to purge today, and I have little resistance.
2. I'm going to book a counselling session

I called the charity. I sounded indecisive, and they decided to offer the internship to someone else. Someone who is not assertive enough is not good for their company.

Fuck. I guess they made the decision for me.

I'm a bit upset, I'm upset because what happened was my fault. In addition, I'm now waiting for two decisions which are far from certain. That one was certain. I fucked it, I well and truly fucked it. I fucking did a Mark Corrigan, I did a fucking Larry david; just when things were on the brink of going well I FUCKED IT. I want to be skinny even if it means being close to death. I want to be thin and beautiful and I want to be authentic. I want to be recognised for the real person that is inside me, not some veiled fat fuck.

So now, here are the modalities:

1. Job and thinktank
2. Job, no thinktank
3. Thinktank, no job (JSA)
4. No job, no thinktank, JSA

At least the variables are less complicated now. Maybe to save face I'll lie and say I turned them down, that sounds much better than doing a Mark Corrigan. I can lie about not purging too. I need mia now than I need anyone else. Or perhaps another way to say it is: Mia is more available to me than real support. I need help.

I think I'm going to head off for a jog, I'll then come back to my desk with a more clear head (I hope). Before jogging I'm going to tidy up my affairs so that my schedule is clear.

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