Sunday, September 19, 2010

Rested and wicked

Good evening.

Here I am, typing in the late evening. I think I'd like to jog tomorrow, for some reason I've had this impression that the past week is full of appointments and worries and things that would occupy my mind and put me off job applications. That is largely true for the past week. However, some positives came to play in the past week; namely, two dates (impossibly it happened), an interview, and invitation to two more interviews this coming week.

In a sense a shift has occured. My weight has gone up today, and probably even more so with all that pork roast and fruit pie i've been eating today. I would like to think to myself that I'm going to justify all that food intakes with a big workout, or several workouts this week. The realistic realisation of my week is that I dont have much time to jog. I always jog in mornings/early afternoons.

And yet, mia is never far away. I have recurring nightmares, my weight goes up, and I feel lots of pressures, from looking for work, from family, from friends, from life, even from my damn ex. Why hasn't my life gone the way I wanted it to? Why is it that I consider it a good day when I've gone out to jog, search for jobs and applied to two vacancies at waterstones? Once I had aspirations to be an academic, and now I'm a faded water stain of what I once was.

My ex is troubling me. She's with an abusive guy and there's nothing I can say. Why should I say anything eithe, I'm biased because I care about her and I still have feelings. If you love someone let them go...

Who loves me? My parents do, they let me live in their house and make food with me in account. My parents are really good to me and all I do is criticise them and get annoyed at their foibles. I'm spoiled. I wish one day I could make it up to them, I wish one day I had loads of money and power and influence. But I'm just lonely, vulnerable to the market forces and sitting in a job interview, with a fake smile to hide my fear. I'm saying to them as I sit there 'judge me, make me worthy!' and I subjugate all of my dignity and sense of self, and they STILL DON'T GIVE ME A FUCKING JOB!!

I'm so fucking angry, I'm so fucking tired and disappointed with the government, with the economy, with the education system. They failed me, I failed me. I failed everything. I got 100% grades in my 'A' levels, I got a decent degree from a decent university; but so did the other 40 people who applied for the same jobs I do. I'm fucking stuffed. The only thing I can do is work on myself, and work to apply to things in a smart way.

I want mia, I want help. I need someone who understands, who cares, who isn't someone I have to constantly negotiate with and play some mind game with. I want someone to call right now and just cry. I want to shout out 'why' and stare at the stars, as if God may listen. My life is not so good. One day it will get better, that's the hope I live for. I'll go to sleep, wake up, maybe if I'm up early enough I'll even jog. Once I come back from a jog I may have some breakfast, read a bit, and then apply to jobs. I'll then prepare for the interview on tuesday. The week looks busy; interning, two interviews, and applications. In addition to my scheduled research day.

I feel that inward sense of inarticulation right now. That feeling of turning inward, speaking in breathy tones and a deep sense of inadequacy fills me. I want to make something of my life. I thought I was special...

I thought I was special...

I'm just like everyone else, dull, boring and hopeless. I wish I had more money for counselling...

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