Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Today (deja vu?) I have been putting more thought towards writing my dissertation proposal. I feel like it is more urgent now and for probably the past 3 weeks, it has been putting me off doing EVERY other task, including looking for jobs. This is no good and this must not continue.

I am blogging with reluctance because I want to get this proposal finished. I find myself increasingly frustrated because I feel that it is a bullshit proposal. I have been thinking about it in quite a few ways and trying to explore other avenues, as well as just trying to write something down to send off to the supervisor. I feel stuck between mediocrity and the highest order of thought. My problem is that I belong to neither. I am superior to the terms of the mediocre intellect such taht even teaching 'A' level is beneath me, and yet, I am coming to some negative conclusion that my thesis proposal may be no good at all.

I don't want to re-invent the wheel and I want to have a focussed and specific remit for the thesis, but some other issues that are tangential and slightly related keep coming to my mind. On the other hand I feel like I am not writing enough down. I am thinking of the maxim 'cut if you have the guts' right nowl. Although I can't cut out too much because I MUST put in the things that the proposed supervisor has suggested to me.

I feel like a right old loser today. I have been banished from the university world of academia and intellect, and I do not belong anywhere else. This past year and a half of limbo demonstrates that.

Oh, in other news, I booked an appointment to give blood for next week, and booked a train to see Antonia. She wants me to visit her and for some stupid reason I agreed. I suppose it is the possibility of having sex with her. I am really inviting myself to getting hurt again, and inviting myself to her just undermining me all the time. I'm lonely. Although today, thinking about my thesis proposal again and not ignoring it has made me ignore that. In a sense I have been busying myself but in another sense I have just been procrastinating while actually thinking about my thesis and what to write. Fuck. One step forward, but lots more to go. I hate this. I wish I had this kind of motivation to get a job and improve my life.

I problably wont' even get into this doctoral scheme I'm applying to. Why do I bother sometimes...

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