Tuesday, December 15, 2009

nhs day

Today I got up about 9:30, out of bed and fully organised by 10:15, out of the house to the blood genre by 10:20, back home by 11:30

It's 1pm now.

I was rejected by the blood people to donate because I have an opthamologist appointment later this week. On the plus side, at least I have an opthamologist appointment later this week.

I called the local surgery for a GP appointment. I also called 'psychological services', the ones whom I had put the phone down on. They said they will call me back. Well the real story is that the first time I called today I was referred to someone through hold, and they asked me to recall the past telephone interview. I flipped, had a trigger and put the phone down.

I then thought about a conversation that I had with Antonia two nights ago. Antonia said to me, after I had opened up to her, even  opened up to my own self-deceit of a thinly veiled anger, that really covered jealousy that she has a new man that she has casual sex with, who lives in switzerland, owns 10 houses, 5 cars and is a holistic healer. I can't compete with that, I can't compete with the guy who had a caravan and advanced music technology in his van, DVDs, sound system and so forth. I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THOSE GUYS BECAUSE I HAVE NO JOB OR MONEY. I HAVE NO ASPIRATIONS AND NOTHING I DO HAS WORKED FOR ME FOR THE PAST 18 MONTHS. I AM A COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE AS A HUMAN BEING.

It is often said to be uncouth to type in caps. I type almost as if to communicate screaming. I purged today, my mum heard. I thought I wouldn't be heard. My nephew is in today. I called the psychological services back, I feel like I am down a few rungs in the ladder of confidence. I am crawling back to the mental health people after two hangups. I'm upset. Its nice to feel in control and to think that I have a plan. I dont have a plan, or better still, none of my plans have worked.

In other news, a girl, I mentioned her in previous posts; ugly not attractive, boring, trying to be a posh-o, naturalised chinese/british and whiney friend from university; keeps inviting me to things. She texted me twice, facebook messaged me twice, wall raped me with 'thanks for your cheeky message' (in relation to a reply i gave that she replied with a facebook message, making the wall post redundant and creepy). I ate some parsnips and a bit of pork fat that lay on the bone that I was masticating off over last night, there wasn't much pork on the bone yesterday either but I was just finishing the parent's sunday roast off. I think that I shall purge a second time today. I had 2x 200k chocolate lunchbox snacks. Naughty naughty. I need to purge them.

I feel like the fight to not purge is really redundant. Why boher fighting it. I can improve my life in other ways but that.

i didn't even write a post about the last weekend. Maybe I should, maybe I won't. I won't write about it in this post. Let it suffice to say that  lot could be written of all the feelings I went through that past weekend, and it was not good. I have perhaps to introduce a new character to this blog. Perhaps one that readers will think differently of me when I tell you about him.

Today I realised a feeling in me that makes me feel very vulnerable and weak. I'm scared. I'm jealous of Antonia and all those guys I can't compete with. They are all bigshots owning pharmacies with degrees and houses and investments in Zurich. All I got is an empty packet of pringles and an owl from the british museum on either side of me. I might write an email to Marc Maron; my favourite comedy, just to not face the overwhelming and negative thoughts.

I do not fear that I am returning to old thought patterns. I am seemingly willing to return to them. I feel like I have nothing to protect me from them as the coping strategies are not surviving well.

I look forward to purging. It's the only delight I can allow in my head right now. There is probably a sense in which I am not recognising how good life is in the context of all the girls that express interest in me. Adding to that, why am I banking my self esteem on what a girl thinks? I suppose it is because I have nothing else to feel good about, especially because my body is fat again. I'll purge and maybe do some more weights. I did about a hundred dumbell reps today and jogged quite hard wearing only a t-shirt, trousers and boots to the hospital and back.

You, blog, I found hard to tell these things to. I found it hard to write about my feelings and weaknesses since Monday because it feels harder to open up, and more of a protection just to bottle it all up. I always want to be the man with the plan, the man with the trick and trump card up one's sleeve. I don't have a trump card. I just have a doctors surgery appointment card and a form to fill out to give evidence of me looking for a job when I sign in for JSA.

Here's to hoping that this is a problem that requires tricks, techniqes and mental discipline to fight. Winning this battle wont make me proud. It's a dirty war and a battle I do not choose to get involved it, it chose me.

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