Just came back from the job centre and gotten back home. My sign in time is 9:40, not only did I get it signed before that time, I'm back home 5 minutes before that time. I won't say that I'm 'happy' about it but considering the past plights I have had while waiting in the job centre, today was an easy two weeks of getting my job centre money.
I feel that the way to forget the fact that I am in this shitty situation is to buy things. The desire and the lust to spend excites something deep inside my brain. A mechanism that provides reward. In a sense, I think that is why I purge. I haven't actually purged in a while, but it feels like I have on account of indulging in Mia's temptations.
I have been thinking a bit about that girl who messaged me, lets call her Hannah. Hannah is an older woman, somehow I find that attractive in a woman. A mature woman who likes me as a sexual toy but also takes me serious as an intellectual. I feel like maybe how a woman might feel of an older man in a patriarchal set of presuppositions. Hannah strikes me as a secret depressive, this has let off some triggers of my past behaviour. I felt protective and caring of Marie and everything she wanted I woud try to do for her. I don't want to be that person again and I must respond differently in order for the situation not to repeat itself. It is weird thinking about the possibility of another girl when my ex is warming up to us getting together again. I want to give up on Antonia. If I go back to her I will compromise some part of my integrity after what she did to me.
The other day I was thinking about putting my money somewhere where I could make it turn into more money; maybe gambling or the stock market, or some kind of way to turn capital into more capital. A part of me has a lust for money. I want to live in my own home, I want tohave a life that doesn't involve me hiding my masturbation from my parents next door. I want to use my bedroom to have sex, I want to have my friends come over without stepping on anyone's toes and just do what I want. Maybe I'm asking for too much out of life without putting anything in.
Speaking of putting things in I put on a bit too much weight over the past few days. I have decided to go on a fast, that is to say, a day fasting; I will not eat during sunlight hours and dine during the night. I found it a weirdly spiritual and humbling experience when I fasted in the past.
Oh not to forget, I have an interview at 2pm, that's like 4 hours from now. I better get the printer online. Fuck.
Back to life. It does at least look like I can get the day started and get things done.
Smiles.
I feel that the way to forget the fact that I am in this shitty situation is to buy things. The desire and the lust to spend excites something deep inside my brain. A mechanism that provides reward. In a sense, I think that is why I purge. I haven't actually purged in a while, but it feels like I have on account of indulging in Mia's temptations.
I have been thinking a bit about that girl who messaged me, lets call her Hannah. Hannah is an older woman, somehow I find that attractive in a woman. A mature woman who likes me as a sexual toy but also takes me serious as an intellectual. I feel like maybe how a woman might feel of an older man in a patriarchal set of presuppositions. Hannah strikes me as a secret depressive, this has let off some triggers of my past behaviour. I felt protective and caring of Marie and everything she wanted I woud try to do for her. I don't want to be that person again and I must respond differently in order for the situation not to repeat itself. It is weird thinking about the possibility of another girl when my ex is warming up to us getting together again. I want to give up on Antonia. If I go back to her I will compromise some part of my integrity after what she did to me.
The other day I was thinking about putting my money somewhere where I could make it turn into more money; maybe gambling or the stock market, or some kind of way to turn capital into more capital. A part of me has a lust for money. I want to live in my own home, I want tohave a life that doesn't involve me hiding my masturbation from my parents next door. I want to use my bedroom to have sex, I want to have my friends come over without stepping on anyone's toes and just do what I want. Maybe I'm asking for too much out of life without putting anything in.
Speaking of putting things in I put on a bit too much weight over the past few days. I have decided to go on a fast, that is to say, a day fasting; I will not eat during sunlight hours and dine during the night. I found it a weirdly spiritual and humbling experience when I fasted in the past.
Oh not to forget, I have an interview at 2pm, that's like 4 hours from now. I better get the printer online. Fuck.
Back to life. It does at least look like I can get the day started and get things done.
Smiles.
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