I'm reading this article at the moment: Compulsory heterosexuality and lesbian existence (A.Rich). Today is my research day. I've not committed to very much today unfortunately. Mostly wanking. Mea culpa.
As I'm reading this article, which essentially codes much of the status quo on heterosexuality as the undermining of women's social status; I cannot help to agree.
When I was younger I had authority figures, teachers, parents and so forth. Entrusting authority to others is a way of giving them power, and trusting what they have to say. I'm reminded of Antonia, as she trusted this hippy fuck because he seemed all so wise and lived in a caravan.
As I type these words and think these things, I feel that I must purge after I write this post. I've unearthed upsetting throughts which I feel I shall try to articulate. My ex is a female slave, she enslaved herself to the heterosexual ideals of finding a man to save her; as if she needed saving. A woman who undermines her own independence and self expression has made herself a worm. I feel bad for her. I always told her that she should be independent; to which she replied 'I am independent'. Then she talked of 'bagging a husband' after we broke up. I guess she compromised on that independence.
I'm upset in typing this. I'm upset because I miss her, I hate what she became, and I hate what I've become. I'm so terribly angry and despairing of myself, and I just want to make an excuse to purge. Perhaps that's why I'm purposely making myself upset, because I want an excuse. I'm letting 'Mia control me. Is it sexist to describe 'Mia as a her? It probably is. I like this article, I dont read much about feminism. I don't think I will in my life, but I try my best. I thin that feminism seems to be mischaracterised, and even if women themselves mischaracterise feminism it destroys itself. Perhaps ultimately, the man has won if that's the case.
*take pause in writing*
I've had a little bit of a pep talk to myself. Sometimes my thoughts are clearer when speaking than typing. My issue is this.
In 2008 I felt so close to being whole and complete, I set up a vision of my ideal life as a PhD student. It didn't work. I was completely shocked and hid in alcohol and my relationship. I moved back home and the relationship ended. With the relationship behind me, I was forced to look inward. I was too upset with losing Antonia to face what was really inside, perhaps getting over her was a distraction, or perhaps it was my will to avoid my real problems and issues.
These past 12 months are a series of ups and downs. Downs when I lost Antonia, and lost her countless times again as she moved on with her life and new relationships, and as she seemed to provide the chance for me to be with her again. I learned other things about myself too in the past year, I'm relearning determination and how to find that inner resolve and iron will. That journey is ongoing and I am far from near to where I want to be in terms of my will power. But I have made progress. I determine my progress by my weight schedule. I've not purged in a while and its a constant negotiation to try not to purge.
I used to be someone once, someone who had this inner strength. Someone who left ancestral relics in the person that I am now. I live by GCal, always read articles on GReader, I set up a research day, I want to lose weight, I listen to diverse musics; all of these features are percieved measures of self improvement. If I were to build myself up I would be a superior person. When I think of a construal of superiority I think of everything my parents are not.
My parents dont' read books, I don't even know if they can read at all. My parents don't really have much of an education, they see my learning as something against them. They see ideals and ideas and self improvement as entirely alien notions. They lack even the terminology to acknowledge their own limitation. Their world is small. My world is also small. My world is limited by the lack of oppurtunities for employment and courses. My world is limited to the job seekers allowance and applying to admin jobs. I wanted to be an academic and write articles, and now I'm living in my parents house wanking against a pillow thinking about the next time I'm going to get chinese bought with my dole money.
I've become a failure. i've lost my way and will and determination. It may be that the world I aspired to is fundamentally closed to me. To be ambitious is to live in pain. If I had lower expectations I'd be happier. That's the cost of compromise. Why do I even bother with these research days. I could just watch bravo and reality tv for the rest of my life and not bother with beethoven or exploring and expanding my cultural boundaries. The classical music world won't want me, I'm not white and I'm not even middle class. Universities won't want me, arts subjects are funded only for popular projects. Not obscure 18thC scholarship. Maybe you could see me as a martyr, maybe you could see me as a victim. Maybe i'm just moaning.
I'm constantly trying to justify my life. Trying to prove myself. Anyone who says I have nothing to prove is hopelessly unsympathetic.
I think I need counselling.
As I'm reading this article, which essentially codes much of the status quo on heterosexuality as the undermining of women's social status; I cannot help to agree.
When I was younger I had authority figures, teachers, parents and so forth. Entrusting authority to others is a way of giving them power, and trusting what they have to say. I'm reminded of Antonia, as she trusted this hippy fuck because he seemed all so wise and lived in a caravan.
As I type these words and think these things, I feel that I must purge after I write this post. I've unearthed upsetting throughts which I feel I shall try to articulate. My ex is a female slave, she enslaved herself to the heterosexual ideals of finding a man to save her; as if she needed saving. A woman who undermines her own independence and self expression has made herself a worm. I feel bad for her. I always told her that she should be independent; to which she replied 'I am independent'. Then she talked of 'bagging a husband' after we broke up. I guess she compromised on that independence.
I'm upset in typing this. I'm upset because I miss her, I hate what she became, and I hate what I've become. I'm so terribly angry and despairing of myself, and I just want to make an excuse to purge. Perhaps that's why I'm purposely making myself upset, because I want an excuse. I'm letting 'Mia control me. Is it sexist to describe 'Mia as a her? It probably is. I like this article, I dont read much about feminism. I don't think I will in my life, but I try my best. I thin that feminism seems to be mischaracterised, and even if women themselves mischaracterise feminism it destroys itself. Perhaps ultimately, the man has won if that's the case.
*take pause in writing*
I've had a little bit of a pep talk to myself. Sometimes my thoughts are clearer when speaking than typing. My issue is this.
In 2008 I felt so close to being whole and complete, I set up a vision of my ideal life as a PhD student. It didn't work. I was completely shocked and hid in alcohol and my relationship. I moved back home and the relationship ended. With the relationship behind me, I was forced to look inward. I was too upset with losing Antonia to face what was really inside, perhaps getting over her was a distraction, or perhaps it was my will to avoid my real problems and issues.
These past 12 months are a series of ups and downs. Downs when I lost Antonia, and lost her countless times again as she moved on with her life and new relationships, and as she seemed to provide the chance for me to be with her again. I learned other things about myself too in the past year, I'm relearning determination and how to find that inner resolve and iron will. That journey is ongoing and I am far from near to where I want to be in terms of my will power. But I have made progress. I determine my progress by my weight schedule. I've not purged in a while and its a constant negotiation to try not to purge.
I used to be someone once, someone who had this inner strength. Someone who left ancestral relics in the person that I am now. I live by GCal, always read articles on GReader, I set up a research day, I want to lose weight, I listen to diverse musics; all of these features are percieved measures of self improvement. If I were to build myself up I would be a superior person. When I think of a construal of superiority I think of everything my parents are not.
My parents dont' read books, I don't even know if they can read at all. My parents don't really have much of an education, they see my learning as something against them. They see ideals and ideas and self improvement as entirely alien notions. They lack even the terminology to acknowledge their own limitation. Their world is small. My world is also small. My world is limited by the lack of oppurtunities for employment and courses. My world is limited to the job seekers allowance and applying to admin jobs. I wanted to be an academic and write articles, and now I'm living in my parents house wanking against a pillow thinking about the next time I'm going to get chinese bought with my dole money.
I've become a failure. i've lost my way and will and determination. It may be that the world I aspired to is fundamentally closed to me. To be ambitious is to live in pain. If I had lower expectations I'd be happier. That's the cost of compromise. Why do I even bother with these research days. I could just watch bravo and reality tv for the rest of my life and not bother with beethoven or exploring and expanding my cultural boundaries. The classical music world won't want me, I'm not white and I'm not even middle class. Universities won't want me, arts subjects are funded only for popular projects. Not obscure 18thC scholarship. Maybe you could see me as a martyr, maybe you could see me as a victim. Maybe i'm just moaning.
I'm constantly trying to justify my life. Trying to prove myself. Anyone who says I have nothing to prove is hopelessly unsympathetic.
I think I need counselling.
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