Monday, June 10, 2013

waking up with anxiety.

dear diary


two dreams i remember

I was in a retail shop, it looked like a video/dvd/games shop and these girls were talking really loudly and then i thought they were going to make a spectacle as security made a fuss so i thought i'd make sure there was a record of it on cctv or someone's camera phone for court purposes and then they chased me and said i was infringing their rights by getting a record of them acting immaturely, then what happened is i found out they were using homophobic language and being violently threatening, and i was carrying a bug the whole time to record them and they had nothing on me and plus the fact they chased me down i had them in a position where i could prosecute them, and i felt powerful, and then the dream ended.

Another dream, there was a wall of some kind of remembrance. I saw eileen and her husband. I said hello to eileen and she seemed to be grieiving and then I looked at the wall and her husband was there. I saw that it had her name on the remembrance wall and i must have been imagining that she was there because i still am not over that she's dead, then i gave the husband a hug and he said i have a cold and then i woke up feeling very anxious. Then when I woke up i realised how all of the activity I experienced yesterday in terms of social contact with all the other people at the garden, all the new people and the conversation at the pub afterwards, had suddenly jumped at me at that very moment of waking up and giving me anxiety.

I hate waking up with anxiety. It's really horrible. I keep referring my mind back to those days in 2006 when I'd wake up wretching from anxiety. I wonder...was it worse back then, or was I just less able to tolerate?

So today: off to work, garden meeting. Worrying about money. I wonder if today will be busy at work

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