I felt really depressed earlier. I could make up all sorts of reasons. After I got home from my sister's place my anxiety levels shot up and I then found reasons to depress over. I then had a wank and my brain chemistry seemed to have reset. I've taken 4 laxatives (two is the suggested maximum, and I have taken more in the past to painful effect) but I see this as a drastic measure to overeating.
New years party is worrying me. My belly is worrying me specifically. I found out that the host of the party hooked up with this girl the last time we saw him, and now she and he are an item. That means her friends are coming over to the party. The bad thing is that they went to my sixth form (oh, also I'm 6 years older than they). Both revelations scare the fuck out of me, the spectre of older age, and sexy 18 year olds. I find sexy 18 year olds sexy, but I'm also inadequately non-competitive in situations where I am expected to impress a girl. I try to be myself and then my friends embarass me. Then I hide in a corner feeling awkward and depressed and drink myself silly. I don't like it.
I'm annoyed that the xbox I bought doesn't work properly, its fucked up. In other news, I'm currently making a playlist for the coming year. Sofar I've made about 290 hours. That's pretty good so far, right? I'm only half wat through, too. The playlist contains indierockpop as I call it, classical music, black metal and gothic/metal genres. I enjoy depressive suicidal black metal. It's my favourite musical genre. I find that when I listen to it, I can either feel completely consumed by the music to the point of being physically and mentally inert of action, or I have this feeling where there is this beautiful expression where my own mood cannot be expressed by words but the soundworld of the blackness speaks it with clarity.
So, what's coming tomorrow and the rest of the week? Now that 'christmas' is technically over and its the 'inter-days' between xmas and new years, I'll try to catch up with job applications and job searches, basically, the usual. I've not heard from my grad scheme application. I should presume I didn't get in. Life sucks, and then it gets worse. I hate being part time employed as well as an intern. It's one up from unemployed (well two up), but I want to be a few up from this. I want to be earning money comparable to my peer group. I want a new laptop and to play xbox in my pants in a flat of my own owning, I dont want to have to tipoe about and put the pornography at a low volume. I want a better life.
I guess it all starts from the schedule details, starts off with tidy up your bed and brush your teeth. I've got to start with the essentials, the basics and then build up. Some days I find the biggest battle is with my own depressed feelings. I've said the D word a lot in previous posts. This isn't the best Christmas i've had, but it isn't the worst either. The worst was probably 2006. I have memories of new years past. 2004/5 was the first time I met my school friends as a uni student. I was depressed that the guys had girlfriends. 2005//6 I genuinely enjoyed. My anxiety left me for a few days and I was totally looking forward to the enjoyment of life. Then it ended and university returned. The anxiety of that time came back as quickly as it left, and there were more battles to fight in that time.
2006/7 I stayed at my flat in bristol (away from parents and friends), I was burning candles a lot ('like an emo' as a friend once commented) and I was wallowing in my own self-pity and self-hate. I also attempted suicide that year, twice. 2007/8 was when I started purging and that manifested by a vendetta against a guy who was once my best friend. 2008/9 at present seems to be a blank to me. At this time, was when I was rejected from a PhD the first time and I was very depressed, I was living in limbo for a while and just started to realise that I wasn't a student anymore. I'm slightly embarrassed that I barely remember what happened on this year. I think, if I'm correct, I spent it at home: it was then on the evening of new years that I decided to use my last.fm account a lot more. Funny because I still keep to that resolution (I was just compiling a playlist for the coming year). 2009/10 new years is the most recent one, I lost my girlfriend and I was living back at home. We spent new years in tuxedos and it was a horrible evening at some chavvy event in kensington (a combination of words not often put). This year is a planned house party. I suppose that this year is an improvement from the last, but I'm not sure really how far it is. I'm part time employed, interning at an interfaith charity doing research, I spent some time volunteering with the police and not much besides. I hate the fact that I've been applying for jobs for fucking ages and I've had no fucking luck. I wish I had more support. The job centre was pants, but they did pay for my counselling. I'm fucked, fuckedy fucked. I really shouldn't have ended my JSA claim. On the other hand, I did find the support unhelpful and I was pretty certain that they were not terribly co-operative or supportive with what I wanted.
I feel terribly down. I think I want to carry these depressed feelings with me and embrace them in the darkness of night, so long as they don't infect me during the morn. I dont think that's possible, I think I must fight it constantly. Listening to the depressive black metal makes me feel at a home I cannot explain with words, the soundworld in my head, the warmth and chill of the darkness and despair.
I wish I was someone else. Someone better.
Tomorrow will judge what kind of person I am, but also today, and yesterday. Today and yesterday have shown flaws, but not terribly big onses. I do wish I was better than what I am. Perhaps I'd be happier. I must fight on. Typing this post makes me realise how much changes over the years, the gap between this year and last is the smallest. I wish that more changed in my life as I advanced, not the opposite.
New years party is worrying me. My belly is worrying me specifically. I found out that the host of the party hooked up with this girl the last time we saw him, and now she and he are an item. That means her friends are coming over to the party. The bad thing is that they went to my sixth form (oh, also I'm 6 years older than they). Both revelations scare the fuck out of me, the spectre of older age, and sexy 18 year olds. I find sexy 18 year olds sexy, but I'm also inadequately non-competitive in situations where I am expected to impress a girl. I try to be myself and then my friends embarass me. Then I hide in a corner feeling awkward and depressed and drink myself silly. I don't like it.
I'm annoyed that the xbox I bought doesn't work properly, its fucked up. In other news, I'm currently making a playlist for the coming year. Sofar I've made about 290 hours. That's pretty good so far, right? I'm only half wat through, too. The playlist contains indierockpop as I call it, classical music, black metal and gothic/metal genres. I enjoy depressive suicidal black metal. It's my favourite musical genre. I find that when I listen to it, I can either feel completely consumed by the music to the point of being physically and mentally inert of action, or I have this feeling where there is this beautiful expression where my own mood cannot be expressed by words but the soundworld of the blackness speaks it with clarity.
So, what's coming tomorrow and the rest of the week? Now that 'christmas' is technically over and its the 'inter-days' between xmas and new years, I'll try to catch up with job applications and job searches, basically, the usual. I've not heard from my grad scheme application. I should presume I didn't get in. Life sucks, and then it gets worse. I hate being part time employed as well as an intern. It's one up from unemployed (well two up), but I want to be a few up from this. I want to be earning money comparable to my peer group. I want a new laptop and to play xbox in my pants in a flat of my own owning, I dont want to have to tipoe about and put the pornography at a low volume. I want a better life.
I guess it all starts from the schedule details, starts off with tidy up your bed and brush your teeth. I've got to start with the essentials, the basics and then build up. Some days I find the biggest battle is with my own depressed feelings. I've said the D word a lot in previous posts. This isn't the best Christmas i've had, but it isn't the worst either. The worst was probably 2006. I have memories of new years past. 2004/5 was the first time I met my school friends as a uni student. I was depressed that the guys had girlfriends. 2005//6 I genuinely enjoyed. My anxiety left me for a few days and I was totally looking forward to the enjoyment of life. Then it ended and university returned. The anxiety of that time came back as quickly as it left, and there were more battles to fight in that time.
2006/7 I stayed at my flat in bristol (away from parents and friends), I was burning candles a lot ('like an emo' as a friend once commented) and I was wallowing in my own self-pity and self-hate. I also attempted suicide that year, twice. 2007/8 was when I started purging and that manifested by a vendetta against a guy who was once my best friend. 2008/9 at present seems to be a blank to me. At this time, was when I was rejected from a PhD the first time and I was very depressed, I was living in limbo for a while and just started to realise that I wasn't a student anymore. I'm slightly embarrassed that I barely remember what happened on this year. I think, if I'm correct, I spent it at home: it was then on the evening of new years that I decided to use my last.fm account a lot more. Funny because I still keep to that resolution (I was just compiling a playlist for the coming year). 2009/10 new years is the most recent one, I lost my girlfriend and I was living back at home. We spent new years in tuxedos and it was a horrible evening at some chavvy event in kensington (a combination of words not often put). This year is a planned house party. I suppose that this year is an improvement from the last, but I'm not sure really how far it is. I'm part time employed, interning at an interfaith charity doing research, I spent some time volunteering with the police and not much besides. I hate the fact that I've been applying for jobs for fucking ages and I've had no fucking luck. I wish I had more support. The job centre was pants, but they did pay for my counselling. I'm fucked, fuckedy fucked. I really shouldn't have ended my JSA claim. On the other hand, I did find the support unhelpful and I was pretty certain that they were not terribly co-operative or supportive with what I wanted.
I feel terribly down. I think I want to carry these depressed feelings with me and embrace them in the darkness of night, so long as they don't infect me during the morn. I dont think that's possible, I think I must fight it constantly. Listening to the depressive black metal makes me feel at a home I cannot explain with words, the soundworld in my head, the warmth and chill of the darkness and despair.
I wish I was someone else. Someone better.
Tomorrow will judge what kind of person I am, but also today, and yesterday. Today and yesterday have shown flaws, but not terribly big onses. I do wish I was better than what I am. Perhaps I'd be happier. I must fight on. Typing this post makes me realise how much changes over the years, the gap between this year and last is the smallest. I wish that more changed in my life as I advanced, not the opposite.
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