royally fucked

Dear Diary, I haven't posted for a few days. This has been the longest I haven't posted for quite some time. I hope I haven't given the impression that I was busy, however, it does seem that I may have been otherwise occupied in terms of my thoughts and activities. To be honest. I can't even tell what I have been up to. My immediate thoughts and feelings take me somewhere, but I also know that there have been other things to which my mind has concerned itself. I am in a bit of a stupour, but in a stupour of mind, not activity. Thursday consisted of having a pretty bad stupour, I managed to pull myself out, then go to counselling and train. I did a bit of job searching as well. Come Wednesday, I went for an interview, did some training and I think I fell tired as I got home, between these few days I have attempted to seriously read and finish my book review. Thursday was work, as well as that I was tidying the house and attending to some errands, I made a distinct effort to make sure the house did not get out of order, but it also meant that this week my schedule tasks have been thin on the ground. I did however manage to complete the book review. Well I say complete, I need to edit it before I submit it. In earnest, I have wasted some time this week playing xbox and binging. I don't feel proud of my overactive masturbation glands either. Masturbating too much makes me feel tired, numb and disorientated. Maybe that's why I feel so shit. Maybe I'll make a list of things that I have done since tuesday:

• training - wednesday
• Training - tuesday
• job interview, wednesday
• book review reading, weds
• book review reading, thurs
• book review reading, friday
• write book review, friday
• working, thursday evening
• tidy up house, thursday
• job search, tuesday
• job search, friday

Today, and tomorrow I am going to the camden crawl. I feel really fat today, and I feel insecure in a t-shirt. I may wear an overshirt, maybe more for the pockets and the potential rain and evening coolness than anything else. I think its obvious to other people that I'm fat. All the binging this past week has undone my good work at the gym. I hate this tired cliche, but I really need to work on my diet. It is positive that I am working on my body at the gym, but I need to work on my mind, and one way to do that is control my eating. I feel like such a failure, at 24 years old I have hardly achieved anything in my life. I feel like I am underachieving compared to my peers, and sadly, everyone thought I'd be the high flyer. Its funny how life turns out that way. I'm happy for my friends, I just wish I could show something for myself. I need to stop living in regret, its not helping me. I need to start living in hope. I distinctly remember this time last year, I remember it too well in fact. Time is getting too quick for me. I need to find a way to be more efficient and active. make much more of my life. I should get back to my day. I need to get ready to meet my friend, prepare my gear for a 2 day festival, and ensure my affairs are in order for the coming few days. Oh, and I need to edit and submit my book review, but I don't see much chance in that over the next hour. Fuck.... p.s. I should probably say, since all world affairs happen outside of my head: I saw the royal wedding and unfortunately I did get caught up in it and I did think it was lovely. I'm not terribly deferential but it was nice to see a 'commoner' fulfill what many saw as their fantasy of being a princess. It's so bizarre how some people have dreams that are so fantastic that can be realised, It's like that horrid Anne Hathaway film. That dress was something. I think its one of those events of the decade, like 9/11 or when Michael Jackson had that strange interview with Bashir.