Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Outsider

Today is remembrance day. In school there was a tradition to read out all the alumni and schooboys who were involved in wars past. It was the tradition for the Headboy to read every name so that they were remembered in a special ceremony for them. I found it quite moving, although I'm not especially religious, having that kind of spirituality or deference made me feel a wider dimension to my humanity.

One remembrance day many years ago, I was in a mental hospital. Years later, I have a masters degree, an undergraduate degree with honours and I'm working as and events assistant and an intern in an office. I'm dressed smartly, wearing a black tie (for mourning, and style) and a white shirt that I am coming to quite like.

I feel numb inside today. i feel tired, and my eyes can't focus much. i don't feel in the mood to talk, yet in my own mind I haven't stopped chattering about memories. I feel exceptionally tired, tired of living, perhaps. I want to just lay in my own thoughts as they consume me out of consciousness as I fade away into my own world. How I lasted in a mental hospital in near complete silence confounds me. Those several days in prison were many years of life. Have I truly learned my lesson since then? That is the hard question I have not answered. I feel like crying, or drawing a deep breath. Perhaps it is the long shift yesterday or a lack of sleep; today feels like one endurance task too many.

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