Monday, November 8, 2010

Back to basics

Starting the job last week inflated my ego, and reminded me that I am a graduate from a good university, and I should at least apply for jobs I think that I can do and that pay a fair cop. I got upset because the reality does not meet that expectation. I suppose you could call that pretension of mine Hubris.

I feel low every time I wake up in the morning. I think about my ex and I feel upset. Then I think about Mia. Mia 'talks' to me in the morning, and when there is no hope, she speaks to me. I feel exceptionally lonely these days, and I am reliving memories in my head. I' reliving the time in 2008 when just before I submitted my dissertation, I failed an essay and I had to resubmit it immediately. I was so upset, so disappointed in myself, and so vulnerable. That was not the best time of my life, and I'm paying every day since then with my failures.

Lets talk about today, perhaps. I'm off to the Job Centre in a moment. I woke up, had a poop, weight myself, and now will get ready and head on out. I hope that I've enough change in my oyster card to get two buses and then travel to and from work on wednesday. After that point I will have virtually run out of money, until thursday's intern day. I'm really cutting it close in terms of expenses, but life has expenses, travelling, counselling and so forth.

I have this feeling that I need to raise the real issue with thecounsellor. I dont know what it is. I feel like such a disappointment, I wish that I were in a better place right now. I suppose the only thing to do is my schedule. That thought is suffocating. I just hope I lose weight. I gained a lb or two this weekend, but in all fairness, it's not a *huge* amount in lieu of my progress. Okay. I'm off now. I really should focus on the basics of life when I feell ike this: getting out of bed, staying upright, not masturbating all day...

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