Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Elephant in the room

The outside is pretty dark today. Inside it is pretty gloomy too. For some reason, my dad is in the house all the time. My dad has said for the past few weeks it is because they have not installed the computer in his new office that enables him to do the work. He's seemingly working from home as well. I dont know really, it seems suspicious all the same. Maybe he's trying to get fired. My dad is going to be 60 soon so maybe he's aiming to retire.

Talking about my parents brings up uncomfortable realities. I never want to talk about my parents. I don't like them very much. I hate how people talk about teenaged rebellion, as if all teenagers seek to be rebellious in some way. Was I rebellious? No I was pretty boring, I think. However I do feel like there is something to rebel against, I just don't have any support so I don't bother.

In an episode of the simpsons, Lisa was called 'the answer to the question nobody asked'. I kind of feel like that. The cultural and intellectual interests I have do not really fit my reality. I live in an area of london that is very working class, a hubub of immigrant waves, it used to be the Irish, now it's Eastern Europeans. There's not too much culture in the area I'm in; although there is a respectable mention to the wonderful Diwali lights up on the high street, and the local MP is a well respected Asian MP and I think he might have been a junior minister of state at one point. The MP is a moment of pride for the community I must admit.

My parents are flawed. My mum has a poor grasp of the English langauge; My dad mumbles and doesn't admit he's wrong; and my dad has never talked to my sister in all my living memory. When I bring it up everyone treats ME like the bad guy. Growing up in that environment has given me the very negative disposition of letting elephants fill the room. I suppose that's why I let myself get so depressed, why I let things linger and why I so often don't make an effort to deal with my problems. I could blame my parents for that (well, I do a bit), but what I should really do is take responsibility of myself and my actions, my history and my future. To do that, I must take a stand and look forward. I must embrace the future and make it for myself. I've made so many mistakes in my life, and I seem to make many more. I must take a stand and decide: no more! I will decide to make it better for myself!

Today I have prepared an application, the instructions were a bit unclear and, paired with a bit of blogging procrastination (my other blog)I've finally managed to complete it. I'm basically skint until thursday so I'll desperately need to keep cheap for the next couple of days. I need to post the application so I'll wait until thursday or friday before I weigh it and sent it off in the post. I have more applications to complete today and I hope to get them done.

Maybe I'll talk about the coming week. Later today I have counselling, wednesday I'm working (yay!), thursday is intern day and on Friday Eve, I have an option to go to a BBC recording. I think it's Mozart on Friday. My weight situation is so-so. I don't think I'll meet my target this week. I need to keep more physically busy in order to achieve more. I'm feeling a little down today, I'm not quite sure why. I feel a lot of negativity from my parents at the moment. I don't understand why. There's a part of me that just wants to hide away and cry. There's a nother part of me that feels like I'm underachieving in life, when I see how successful my mates are and how shit my life is. Even though it's positive that I've started a new job; I still feel shit because it doesn't pay well and it's not really a graduate job.

I dont know what I want to do with my life in absence of academia. - That's my elephant.

No comments: