My Piano teacher used to say that the best time to practice was essentially when you didn't feel like doing it the most; maybe you are busy with so many other things, or you just aren't in the mood or you have low motivation. Exactly those times are when you need to practice the most. My piano teacher was, and is, a very strong man (he's nearly a centarian). Perhaps there is something to learn from that little moral of his.
I purged last night. I had a trigger, the phrase 'part time' and female (when I was thinking about the HR people I've been in contact with this week) associated a memory. A female nurse was allocated to me when I left the mental hospital. It was around the time I started getting angry at the health services. This moment in my life is so powerful that even thinking about it right now has released a trigger. I am presently 'triggering'. I purged last night because all of the stress of sunday and the emotional issues and memories with Antonia upset me, and having another trigger left me indisposed to defending myself against mia. Call it a low emotional resistance.
I ate a lot yesterday, that's no coincidence. Maybe it's incidental that I purged; but its all part of the wider emotional context of my life right now in the past few days. I'm starting to feel disoriented. Losing orientation is my way of reacting, pretending that I don't know what's going on, or just allowing myself to fall into a stupour in order to forget what's really going on in my head.
I have counselling today. I suppose I can talk about it. However, it's difficult for me; to open pandora's box and face the demons within is inviting myself to pain.
I got up early this morning, yesterday I 'technically' did a lot on my schedule; but I also didn't apply to any jobs. I bought a mouse, which I needed to do for ages anyway. Besides that, not much happened. I finished rearly after my trigger. I perhaps importantly did one thing which was to prepare for my interview today. I must not forget that I have an interview today. My anxieties are not helping. I have finished one grad application that I started last week, and I am (procrastination excepting) finishing another application for an admin position right now). I suppose if I just keep busy with my schedule, I'll keep calm and productive.
I'm obsessed with the damn schedule, and having this trigger makes me realise why. Its the antidote to my distress. Order over chaos; the eternal struggle.
I purged last night. I had a trigger, the phrase 'part time' and female (when I was thinking about the HR people I've been in contact with this week) associated a memory. A female nurse was allocated to me when I left the mental hospital. It was around the time I started getting angry at the health services. This moment in my life is so powerful that even thinking about it right now has released a trigger. I am presently 'triggering'. I purged last night because all of the stress of sunday and the emotional issues and memories with Antonia upset me, and having another trigger left me indisposed to defending myself against mia. Call it a low emotional resistance.
I ate a lot yesterday, that's no coincidence. Maybe it's incidental that I purged; but its all part of the wider emotional context of my life right now in the past few days. I'm starting to feel disoriented. Losing orientation is my way of reacting, pretending that I don't know what's going on, or just allowing myself to fall into a stupour in order to forget what's really going on in my head.
I have counselling today. I suppose I can talk about it. However, it's difficult for me; to open pandora's box and face the demons within is inviting myself to pain.
I got up early this morning, yesterday I 'technically' did a lot on my schedule; but I also didn't apply to any jobs. I bought a mouse, which I needed to do for ages anyway. Besides that, not much happened. I finished rearly after my trigger. I perhaps importantly did one thing which was to prepare for my interview today. I must not forget that I have an interview today. My anxieties are not helping. I have finished one grad application that I started last week, and I am (procrastination excepting) finishing another application for an admin position right now). I suppose if I just keep busy with my schedule, I'll keep calm and productive.
I'm obsessed with the damn schedule, and having this trigger makes me realise why. Its the antidote to my distress. Order over chaos; the eternal struggle.
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