Sunday, November 21, 2010

Mia, and my heart

In recent weeks, I've had a lot of pain in my chest. I think it's my heart. I feel this intense sting of pain sometimes, I need to pause if I'm talking and it is painful enough that I cannot pretend that it is not happening. Since I am not around many people, and most people don't care enough to notice: it's not been too much of an issue. I think that it's the mia that is having this effect on my heart. I know that I don't purge very much, and it's been maybe a week and a half since I last purged, but all the years of doing it irrespective of the frequency, is having an effect on me. I feel my teeth getting a bit weaker, and I feel these heart troubles. Lets not forget the embarrassment of having my tooth surgically removed as well.

Mia affects me as if she's a person. What kind of girl is she? She's empty, she has no autonomous presence, a real girl has her own life and her own presence, her own wants, life goals and preferences. Mia is like a shadow of my mind. Mia's smart, she pretends to care about me, she even knows how to push my buttons. She reminds me of Marie.

Marie may well never have existed with the way that Mia seems to be so much like her. Marie betrayed me, Marie pretended to care to the effect that I believed in her lies. She made me addicted to her, she made me addicted to her approval and her advice. That feeling of addiction and getting my 'fix' of Marie whenever I could, was much like how Mia affected me. In addition, that 'fix' I felt when I talked to her felt like human contact and compassion, but it was something so much more parasitic.

As many readers (as if anyone other than my self reads this) will know, it was announced that Prince William got engaged. Not that it matters much to me, but there is a lot of comparison to almost 30 years ago when his Father was engaged to Diana. Many people loved Diana and that's a whole phenomenon in itself. Some sociologists I recall, made an analysis that many could relate to Diana because of how imperfect the world is when someone like her, who is so beloved because of her beauty and her caring nature, is made to suffer by the world. There was a bbc radio piece earlier this week reminding us about how, 15 years ago, there was an interview with Martin Bashir (later famous for the Michael Jackson documentary) and the 'Queen of Hearts' herself. Diana talked about her affair, how her marriage broke down, and her bulimia.

As i write this post I'm reminded of that part of the interview when she mentions 'mia'. Diana said something like: people wanted to blame it on the bulimia that things were going wrong, as if that was the cause of the problems and not a symptom. Something that came up in counselling is about control. Specifically, whether I should take responsibility for my actions and my situation, against the conflicting position of how this situation is defined outside of myself. In a sense this seems to be the ultimate dilemma in sociology. How far does society confine and restrict one's wellbeing and opportunities against the percieved agency and potential that is human capacity. Is it up to me to overcome the odds and succeed in this tough job situation, this tough economic and social situation? Or am I an unwilling victim to the inevitable forces of society where my volition alone is a pion to the overpowering waves of influence?

In a sense, both propositions are true: I must keep going and fight my chances, fight my corner and try to make something of my life in this horrid situation. On the other hand, no matter what I do, I cannot change the world alone. Where does mia come into this situation? Diana seems to say that for her, it was because of all  the formalities and protocol rules around the Royal Family, and the so-called 'three person marriage' that constricted her. Right now feeling my pain makes me feel a bit of understanding for such a cultural figure. It's not about her that people mourn, it's about how much she was like the people. A real woman in a surreal world.

My ex is bothering me at the moment. Antonia gave me a text with kisses yesterday, I replied with an irrelevant response: I like mushrooms. Then she was asking if I still wanted to go to the ballet. I said I'd go. Then she said 'don't be an arsehole'. I told her that she shouldn't talk to me like that. She replied: I just did. I think I'll just ignore her. That's what the mia inside me is telling me. I don't want a fight, I don't want her to bring me down. If she wants to be petty with me I'll let her be petty and try to stay unaffected. My knowledge of human behaviour in a normative sense is incomplete. I have gaps in my understanding of other people. I should stop looking at my phone.

My parents are out. I could purge. I feel like doing nothing today. I got an invitation to an assessment for a grad scheme. It's with a major institution of the financial district. I haven't replied back yet. I don't feel like doing anything today. In other news, I've nearly finished the book that I'm reviewing. I guess you could say I'm a few weeks away from finishing it and writing the book review. I'm actually (would you believe it) on schedule for it. Anyway. I better do something with my day instead of feel sorry for myself, or purge.

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