Sunday, November 14, 2010

Clutching straws

Sometimes I feel like I'm clutching at straws, or I feel like I'm grasping at a handful of sand that slowly escapes my fingers, where holding even firmer a grip loses more sand. The moral of the metaphor seems to be: you always lose. I thought I ate a lot yesterday. I still think that I did. I lost weight yesterday, it's a good stable weight loss. I hope the weight loss sticks. I want to reach lower than the 220lb mark at some point. Hopefully this year. I don't feel terribly great about my appearance.

The elephant in the room: I found out a couple of days ago that Antonia met someone else. Facebook told me of all things. That's the thing about so-called extraverts: they reveal too much. I hate that distinction of introvert/extravert. It seems pseudoscientific (maybe I call everything I don't like pseudoscience to justify myself and feel superior). Surely the sociopathic individual learns to manipulate others by pretending to be extravert but has no real personality; personality is only a means to a bloody end for such an individual.

I had a couple of bad triggers over the weekend. It is fair and honest to say that I got upset. I purged.

At times when I purge, I realise that I do have issues. Sometimes when I'm at counselling I feel like I don't have issues, maybe because over the past few weeks things have improved in an objective sense: namely, I started a new job, and I had an interview recently with another interview coming up. Yesterday I was distracted from purging/trigger, which had a consequence of feeling exceptionally drowsy. I couldn't do anything when I was drowsy so I listened to a few chapters on my audiobook of 'The Secret History' by Donna Tartt. I feel like a trendy 90s youth.

Some emotional realisations have dawned upon me this week. I feel lonely and I miss intimacy, I miss having a woman in my life. I wish it could be enough that I had my schedule . I've had a complicated relationship with mia lately. I'm starting to feel that the boundaries between me and the eating disorder are blurring. It is often during times of instability when mia attacks. Considering that I've kept a strong front these few months, I think having a fall into depressive tendencies around mid-November is a pretty good record compared to previous years. I am still in relative control over my social appearance of a life. I still need to do things in my schedule. Today is a challenge in various respects. My dad's having a party in the house. This means that I have to help out most of the morning and this has the effect of disrupting my schedule. I also will be around a lot of food, and alcohol. Lets see if I'll keep sober and stable. I'll probably need to relocate my computer downstairs, which isn't the worlse thing in the world. I'll probably need to sleep in another room, considering that I'm the 'afterthought' and some family friends are coming by. As it happens (considering this weekend' upsets focus around my ex), they were the family who lived near where I was studying for university, and near (relatively) where my ex is. Seeing them again will remind me of what I've lost. From their house I can almost see her town from their veranda.

I'm going to keep busy for now. I hope that plan works, at least.

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