Wednesday, June 1, 2016

The ambience around me

Today was a busy wednesday at work. For some reason I missed the train, so I got the later one/made an alternative route.

Today was moderately busy at work today. I managed to get a lot done. I finished work late and most of the people around me had left already. I thought that I would go to the gym after work. I may have mentioned that I am doing a second Men's Health workout programme. This one is called 'beach body', it's 10 weeks and I'm into week 3. The workout that I did today was punishing. I felt like I pushed myself to uncomfortable physical places, some of them were in jobs not dissimilar to what I did or what I do now (which is in no large part how I know/knew them). The other thing is that a lot of them went to pretty decent universities and then ended up working at the paper and moving on elsewhere.

I feel unremarkable after looking at their lives. Part of me feels disappointed. A larger part of me feels a general sense of: I wish that I lived a more fulfilled life, or a life of more distinction. Then some other parts of me are the demons.

When I was without my laptop I was cherishing the moment that I'd be on my desk, having the time, energy and space to just sit at my desk and philosophically reflect on my life as I am doing right now. I valorise this experience and yet it seems so mundance. I am silent in the ambience of my comptuer fan and many TVs of neighbours (and Dad downstairs) in the distance.

Something else has upset me recently. The feeling that I am isolated from the world. A feeling of being...lonely? This seems almost bizarre because I feel that I'm around so many people and my personal relationships have been (with a few powerful exceptions) at an all time great.

Something hit me emotionally, which spurred me to write right now. A feeling of underachievement, a lack of significance. Then the realisation hit me. Despite all the ways in which my life has (radically) changed in recent months. Something deep inside me stays and sticks. It's the thought of: I'm not good enough

It's still inside me. It is almost comforting to revisit that realisation, it is comforting because there is a resounding harmony between myself and the self of the past..

If there's one thing that I need to do before the night is out, it is to write some emails to myself on futureme.

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