Tuesday, June 21, 2016

dear diary,

I've asked to take a day off from work. I think I need it. I've been overwhelmed with everything lately.

I have spent my morning sleeping in, I got up about 12. I had some horrible panic dreams, which sucked. It was like when I was depressed back in the day. I'd want to stay in bed because my body just felt like giving up. But then there was the feeling that if I stayed in bed I would be more misterable because I wasn't living my life and wasting away. This feeling was only brief as I eventually got up out of bed.

I had a big lunch (note to self: log it on myfitnesspal), and I've been going through my admin tasks that I'd normally do on a sunday. I realise that I have about 2 hours before I need to go to badminton and my day is basically done. What a shitty, grown up boring day off. It really sucks. I end up doing things that I really need to do and I have even been working a bit by email.

Working in a national newspaper is a lot of strain, even with a relatively lowly position such as mine, the organisation is going through so many changes with the decline of print media and it has a knock on effect on the workload and the scope of my work. My physical health is the best it has ever been. I think it is the best it will ever be. The guy at the work boxing club called me muscle boy. That's kind of a compliment.

I also went to a kink party last weekend. I want to talk about that but I feel like I've got so much else I need to focus on right now.

I have to do everything and hit the ground running. I don't have space to stop, I don't have time to stop. Most importantly, I have the wellbeing and health to be stretched in this way. Perhaps this is the person I should be right now. Except for one thing - I feel like I'm so very close to my own death. I feel like I know when its going to happen and how, and it saddens me.

I better get back to work.

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