Wednesday, March 2, 2016

when my piano teacher died i was upset


I remembered him during the periods where he was at his best and when I saw myself at my best with him. I am thinking about this now. When he died I was upset and it took some months to realise how much he meant to me. I acknowledged that towards the end of my time with him we used to argue. I acknowledged that.

But there's one period of time I didn't think much about.

The period after. After I stopped being his pupil, after he stopped being my teacher. He was still in the family as he began to teach my mum. I would see him from time to time. He remembered me of course, and I remembered him. We still had memories together

But, something was different. The relationship we had was no more. We were almost like strangers. Sort of like how I imagine amicable exes are when they talk to each other, they talk, they might even relate, but it wasn't what it was.

I haven't thought much about those years, I knew him for about 4-5 years in this capacity, as someone who I vaguely saw from time to time, we talked. But I wasn't the student anymore, I wasn't as good at the piano due to practice.

I think about this because after he died I got back into the piano, I got sort of good again and I started to learn new skills.

I imagine what he would have thought if he knew the version of me that rediscovered the piano and started playing again. I think about that because I could have just have easily been that person while he was still alive-  I think.

I think that I am being overly nostalgic in the sense that if he was still alive, I would probably still be quite cool and distant with him as I was after I stopped being his pupil. I think to myself that I would have said to him all the things about what he meant to me, but I probably wouldn;t have if he were really here.

I think about that and I think about the people I know now who are alive, once they are gone, I'd probably feel that I have lots to tell them, about memories we had and what they meant to me.

They are alive now.

I probably won't say that to them now.

If they hypothetically died and then came back to life full time again, I'd probably still not say those things.

I think we thing about the dead in a rose tinted way, it may even be sincere, or we think it's sincere. but if we imagine the counterfactual of them coming back, would we really tell them the things that we felt after they died. Perhaps we would tell them, and then, it's how things were again. Back to normal again. Until they presumably die again.

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