Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Dear Diary,

My 30th birthday happened.

I realised a certain irony in my life. I have this revelation, a deep and instinctual realisation that I iwll die alone. The irony is that realising this, I've become afraid of being close to anyone or engaging with too many people - thus creating the situation that I dread.

On my birthday, it was a lazy saturday. I watched some Andrew Marr, the sunday AM programme as it was known before, and then before that, Breakfast with Frost, was a staple of my life since 2005. I was a little bit of a politico when I was about 17-19, and then I just lost interest and everything became bland.

Skip to the days leading to my 30th birthday. I'm an occaisional syndication editor and keeping an eye on the fluid developments of the enws is an important part of the job description, and also a lot of fun for me.Having said that. I really do wish politics was boring right now. The country and the world is going into a direction I am not so keen on.

I was working a 6 day week, which is rare for me now. As I did so, I decided to spend sunday (the birthday) on my own. No family, no friends. Alone in the way htat I think I will die on my last day.

I decided to watch andrew Marr, have a wank, and then go to a local posh gentrification cafe. As it happened, the hipster 20 something cafe had a queue, so I went to the late 30s-40 something posh gentrification cafe. I had a 'full British' (note: not 'full English') and I liked the sourdough bread. I read a lot of food magazines and food supplements (as I work in a national paper), and I appreciated every little detail of the breakfast. Fatty organic pork sausages, local British chicken eggs, sourdough bread, genuine scottish Black pudding. Why is it that middle class people love to have food with a fucking story behind it? Is it food or is it the Aeneid, a book they pretend to have fucking read.

After the english breakfast I went home, I fell asleep for a couple of hours and I rushed to the gym as I realised that I was late for my planned workout. I was doing my 3 hour workout plan (intended to be 4 but I fell asleep) and I was already behind. I was on week 8 of my 'men's health beach body' plan.

If i'm honest. This workout has actually worked miracles on my body. I'm not a beach body with sexy chris hemsworth abs, but I do have abs now (at an angle and a certain light), my arms are bigger and my shoulders and chest have gotten HUGE. Lots of my friends have commented on it and the guy from boxing calls me 'muscles'.

Three hours of gym - it was intensive. I went into various dark places in my mind. Insecurities and fears. As I walked to the posh cafe on sunday morning, I thought I'd do a little exercise of the mind. I'd go through every year of my life and try and reflect on it ever so briefly. It went like this:

0, 1: no comment, no memory
2: learnign to recognise the world, mummy daddy and siblings
3: I like kippers and my mum
4: started school - I miss my mum
5: Getting more adjusted to school
6: Starting to realise (as a 30 year old) that this period of time was confusing and I was more in my own world than the real world
7: starting to make friends, some really good friends
8: one friend is leaving to go to middle school. I feel devastated through the whole year knowing its our last year
9: this is the year goldeneye came out and I started to relate more with my older brother and his generation of friends
10: spice girls, britpop, sister going to university - nice memories mixed with the sadness of not having her around
11: secondary school - feeling scared and isolated again, but the seeds of special friendships begin
12: secondary school: really getting into star wars - a way of me bonding with people at school
13: episode 1 the phantom menace! I realise now that I was a bit oblivious to the things other teenagers went through (i.e. sexuality developing in an acceptable way)
14. deputy head teacher kills himself after allegations - this is something that still haunts me, as I have memories about him that now can be considered inappropriate of him - this is a bit of adark stain on the rest of my life, but I don't realise this
15: 9/11 and GCSEs, I don't really have a clue about girls and dating but I do have outcast friends
16: sixth form begins - I start coasting but then I reel in and discover an academic side to myself, not so many friends
17: The year I really discovered myself. I think bout this era so much in my mind
18: pass please
19: You can't pass a year - oh come on, man, I think about certain years way too much. So, pass.
20: 'that year'. Pass
21: the year I made myself and broke everything
22: year of the girlfriend
23: year of the breakup and rebuilding life
24: working at part time-ish job, a bit of a waster year
25: waster year, but have brief relationship with girl who was a glimmer of light. I had psychotherapy during this period
26: still doing psychotherapy then I decide to stop soon after birthday. Still a waster, but start to get interesting job interviews that I don't end up getting
27: can't really remember - a lot of bereavements though, waster year in personal life, but sadness makes me grow up
28: year i fucked up big time
29: this is not as bad a year compared to the shitty 20s. In the past 6 months I've done a lot of gym and fitness stuff. I really have turned around my body. My mind is in shattered pieces but I still live on. Career wise I'm doing 3 jobs and doing things which  I'll probably be proud of in the future

I wonder what the future holds. For a disappointing life, the last year is slightly redeeming. That's my reflection and perception change from that exercise in re-living my history. Also - autism sucks.

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