Monday, August 15, 2016

Dear Diary,

I'm carrying something. I'm carrying something so terrible it will change and poison the world around me and everything in my life. This is what I carry that I feel so burdened with that takes away from all of the good that I've done in my life recently.

Today I managed to go home early. I sneaked out without anyone noticing, well, people noticed but what I mean is that nobody immediately needed me.

I got home early, it was a really horrible train journey but I dived into my phone in order to hide from what was a sweaty, humid and packed carriage. I went to lidl on the way home, which is something I am increasingly doing. I bought a watermelon, which I haven't done before.

I cooked my usual, ribeye steak. I milled about a bit, had a couple of conversations with my dad and then I got on with what I had been wanting to do all day - play No Man's Sky. Today on the Radio 4 today programme, there was a piece about pornography addiction. It stuck on my mind because the last time I had sex I recognised there were 'issues'. I think I should cease my mental habits and try to change my nature a bit.

After playing no man's sky (stopped after motion sickness), I decided to get on with some forward planning for the week. I have been setting what I call 'non priority schema' tasks (NPS) which involves things that I have been meaning to do or that I generally do but wouldn't unless I was totally deliberate about it. I also went through some post it notes that I left on my google keep which made my to do list appear quite unruly.

I dived into the task I've been avoiding for ages, catching up on the post it notes. A lot of these tasks I had put off and having done them I feel a satisfaction.

I've been thinking about (overthinking even) how I compare to the past versions of me. It is an obsession of mine. I idolise the past version of me that did the 'A' levels and got 100% in exams. The later version of me during the undergrad years lived in that shadow, and yet he discovered a different and fulfilling sense of self, with a different darkness as well. When I had the eating disorder, my thinking was -- skewered. Thinking about my life and my past is a way of coming to terms with the things that were skewered, confronting.

I had some night terrors this morning, and yesterday afternoon as well. They were unspeakably horrific, but wouldn/'t make sense if I could tell you what they were. I think that I'm acheiving a sense of excellence in my life, although I also think that there are darknesses that blight me.

Perhaps all things are a mix of good and bad. At a good party, there are the unresolved problems in friendships, the awkward conversations, and then those really good bits too.

I need to let them pat me on the back and say good job. I'm shrugging it off too much.

Speaking of Shrugging. I'm planning to do another 12 week fitness programme.

No comments: