Dear Diary,

I wonder what life will be like when the day comes when I'm without my parents, who supported me through my disability and through all the awfulness I've brought them in recent years.

There was a time a few years back, when my godmother died (also very close friend and neighbour and basically family), when they had to leave the country for reasons too long to go into, and I was left to help sort out the wedding for her widower.

I felt at that point in my life that I suddenly grew up and shit got real. I also felt a sense of assurance that I can be a mature person once in a while. The heaviness was difficult though. To be serious and sombre and keep up the show for everyone else also meant that I had a diminished repetoire of emotions that I'd normally have.

To put a crass analogy, it is like when Hot Rod in transformers had to take up the mantle of being the leader of the autobot transformers after Optimus died, and in an episode in season 3, he gave up his powers to give the matrix back to Optimus who was reanimated temporarily (long story), he turned back into his carefree and younger hot rod self.

I think there will come a point where I face a seriously mature situation where I can't revert again. I  think that I've already reached it a few times.

Tonight I'm clearing up my feedly starred items. It's about 500 days of saved philosophy papers, encyclopaedia articles and opeds