I had a dream last night/this morning.

It was more like two.

One was about when I was back at university. I never forgave myself for not going to the union bar on the first day of fresher's, the Sunday before the proper first week.

I felt tired, low, overwhelmed... I don't know. It just didn't feel right. I felt that I never got over or never experienced whatever it was that everyone else did.

I can rationalise now that it's a stupid conclusion and all the years have passed and they were all mostly vapid 18 year olds trying to find their clique. But deep down in my dream thoughts, I keep revisiting it and it feels like a sore muscle or a chest pain. That same chest pain that remerges in later parts of my life. My dream mixed elements of memories from later years. The impersonal nature of grad school. My parents driving over from home to visit or pick up my shit.

Another dream presence emerged.

Her. Again.

I'm embarrassed. A girl. I'm now the age where its patronising to call anyone female and of similar age 'a girl' ( they are either a woman or simply 'they'). Marie still haunts my mind.

I don't know why. She seems more an idea than a real person. Marie is like the fundamental unravelling of me and what I am. I sometimes imagine her talking to me, like mia did.

The dreams of this weekend have unsettled me and made me feel very vulnerable. I've been trying really hard lately to keep my shit together and I've been doing alright for the past 6-7 weeks.