Wednesday, January 15, 2014

I'm not 'the after guy'

Dear Diary,

I had some bad dreams again.Things that haunt me, the demons in my mind.

I woke up at 8am, I thought I could start the day well. Then I found there was no internet, I was like: ah fuck. I read a magazine on my tablet and then fell asleep until about 1pm. I realised that the tiredness begets more tiredness and I felt that I just had to push out of bed and it felt horrible. I don't need to remember what depression was like, I feel like I'm going through it.

My attitude is...not what it was back then.  I want to say different but the pain is still the same. I could write this post like I'm the 'after' guy from one of those adverts of a dude who went through some horrible shit or suome surgery and his life is all better. I'm not the after guy right now, I'm the during guy, and this isn't a success story. It's a survival story and I just need to survive through the day.

Two principles I am trying to live by: live deliberately and swallow an egg. I wrote that about 20 mins ago in a futureme email actually. Live deliberately, like Thoreau's Walden: that means, no aimless wanking, filling up time with some interchangeable task, but do something purposefully and with a real zeal. I've spent too much of my life not living deliberately and I need to change who and what I am.

The other principle is swallow an egg. I have a lot of fear. Everyone has some kind of fear. I have lots of demons and things I don't like about myself as well. Surely many people do as well. Swallowing an egg is a metaphor for facing those ugly demons, the weaknesses of will and those fears.

I applied to 8 jobs today, I woke up at like 1pm. I feel like shit right now. I would really want to just lay in bed right now. I should ideally get my gym shit together, head off to the gym, do some training, and then go to body balance class and then I'll fuck head off home. I feel terrible right now. I really do not want to go to the gym. It's going against my instincts, but my other instincts inside me needs to go.

I'm just going to do a light one today - cardio and body balance.

Lets head off. I'm going to make a deliberate decision and set of actions. As soon as I publish this post, I'm preping my gym gear and then heading off to the gym.


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