Dear Diary,

Insomnia is a bitch.

It's mid january now and I am trying to get on with things. I am trying to use my time of insomnia for good. I have successfully managed to do a few errands over the past 3 hours as i woke up prematurely at 10:30pm. I went to bed around 8:45-9pm with a view to sleeping all night. That plan didn't pan out.

I am working later today. It's a short shift, only 3.5 hours. I need any hour I can get to be honest. I am getting desperately short on cash. This is the situation that I feared the most.

I didn't get paid last thursday - I don't know why. I was expecting it. Second thursday of the month right? I do't know why - it could be that the first thursday of january was like the 2nd or some shit.

I've had a lot of messaging going on with OkCupid this weekend. There was a woman who had a profile with just a picture and not much description, and I successfully guessed where the picture was taken from. Another bit of banter was how one woman said she likes to go to churches but doesn't believe - I was thinking - was she an organ repair person? church of england? a Bach Scholar? Turns out she's a bell ringer -never would have guessed that (seriously, Bach scholar?? it's like I have Bach on the brain).

I'm feeling quite lonely and isolated. That's due to my job situation, due to my whole - I am shit and fail in life-thing.

I am fantasising about self-harming lately. It is perhaps my only comfort to just fantasise about it.

So I'll have a bit of work this week. I forgot what work was like! I think that today will be the first time that I put on my new brogues. I'll need to think about the appropriateness of wearing it. I hope I don't step in shit.

God I'm feeling hungry again. right now.

I put a big fuck-off to-do list on google keep when I got up today. I did most of them. I swallowed a couple of eggs this sunday. I made a purposeful choice not to go to the gym or garden this weekend. I need to build up my energies.

I am not yet ready to sleep. I might talk about what I've done this weekend:

Saturday:

• Finished editing and uploading baby shower vids
• Pizza and tv with my friend - a local 2-4-1 establishment
• Sent job application
• Fatigue/insomnia

Sunday:

• Archiving
• Audiobook Catchup
• Fatigue
• Insomnia
• Non-priority tasks
• Feeling low
• Updated googlepages

Post -midnight Monday

• Sent Job application
• job searching
• Sent Job application

Later:

• electrician/friend coming over to do some work
• working
• cannot attend meeting but planned agenda for it