Monday, April 8, 2013

working smarter.

Dear Diary,

Might talk about the weekend:

I've got some composing shit to do this weekend, and I've been really worried about it. I have however realised that I have support. I've managed to get some free composing software from open access. I have managed to get my mate to lend me his Keyboard. I've managed to get a musician friend to advise me on recording things.

Saturday: gym class

Sunday: gym, nandos, gardening, sleeping, bit of eating chicken


Between the two days I have been reading <150 articles from Readability. Really took a long fucking time. I'm learning to change myself. I'm learning to do things differently. I'm trying to be smarter at how I plan, its not always about working harder, it's about working smarter.

Today I got up, residual hangover dehydration from that magners I drank. I have been drinking a pint every other night last week. It helped take the edge off. I like alcohol, maybe I should try to remember why I don't drink much - the fucking hangover! As I get fitter the hangovers get worse!

I went to the GP, I tried in as rational a way as possible, explain my gripes with the CBT situation: I had two assessments, I had one which was on the phone, another in person. The CBT fellow said I will start next week. Then I couldn't, she said it wasn't a problem through proxy. Then I was told there was no appointment the next week. Then I got a letter saying 'we don't think its right to do CBT' after I was told two weeks before 'shall we start next week?'. The GP was sympathetic, she also suggested that I see a psychiatrist. I said: I'm open to that, but I am not so keen on being prescribed more drugs, because you (the GP) can do that anyway. I want psychological therapies, I don't want drugs that make my dick go limp. I don't want drugs that make me eat more and lose my fitness. I have a lifestyle where I have some friends and hang out with them. I don't really get blind drunk that much, like maybe 3 times a year. Depending on whether there's a wedding or not.  I don't want drugs that make me sleep for 12 hours straight. I don't want drugs that make me feel like a zombie. I don't want to lose control, I want to be empowered.

So after that GP appointment I had a few triggering feelings.

I got home, I looked at my schedule and thought: ah fuck, I have a mixed up schedule. I need to try and sort it out, order it, sort out how to get things done, how to enact my plans: job applications, composing...

Oh yeah, and my good friend has a play. Maybe I should ask a girl out on a date to see the play. If my other mates can't go. Fuck em. I'm going to that play.

I'm kinda hungry, before I get on with my schedule I better eat.

Work smart, conatus. I'm learning from my past self: I'm not going to choose to think about all the things I need to do, instead, I'll focus on what needs to be done in a compartmentalised way: jobs, composing, work, gym, garden. I've set time to do it, that gives me peace of mind. Now I am just like a train, follow the rails.

Off to Lunch

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