Tuesday, April 23, 2013

!!!!!!!!!!! acting stupid today

Dear Diary,
So I went to see the social worker about the CBT referral. Lets say it didn't go too well. I had controlled anger, but apparently controlled anger is too much anger. I ended up waiting for ages, then some police came over because I appeared threatening. I had an intervention with a psychiatrist and the cops were in the room. I emphasised to the psychiatrist how I staged this so that this would be the only way I could talk to a psychiatrist in order to get referred to CBT. Then the psychiatrist said that my problem wasn't anxiety if I'm behaving like this, and that they would in no way refer me to CBT if I act like this.
I'm kind of sad about that. I guess I'm not getting any help. Also worse than that, I could have been arrested. Fortunately, the officer talked to the psychiatrist and seemingly he said he wasn't going to press charges against me. The psychiatrist said: you got off easy in my opinion. I acted like a bit of a dick today. I think my anger is a problem. I think it's something I need to deal with.
I fucked up. On the other hand. I knew that I wasn't going to get referred to CBT. Now it seems to be elevated with the psychiatrist. I wonder now if he thinks I'm a sociopath or something. The psychiatrist did say the fact that I staged what I did just to get CBT is psychologically interesting enough to merit some kind of assessment.
I feel a bit embarrassed. I feel a bit anxious. I also feel a bit worried about getting arrested. I really don't need a criminal record with ths job situation. What I did was stupid. But also, what I did I needed to do, to realise how it is not okay to get angry. These guys have a bite. This isn't my proudest moment. Although I do weirdly have a smile on my face right now, or maybe I'm trying to not cry. I also feel very vulnerable.
On with my day. I got a fuckton to do.

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