Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Ocarina boy, and Mona

Dear Diary,


It's been a few days since I've posted anything. In terms of face to face and other kinds of communications with people, things have felt quite immense for me lately.


My anxiety is quite high today. More so than it has been for a week or so. Maybe I'll talk about everything since saturday.



So after I did all the composing I thought I'd take the day off. I did two classes at the gym. One friend was at the first, then he left. Another was at the second. I went home, rested a bit, had a bath. Then I went out to see a gig. I knew a few people there and so I didn't feel so bad about going on my own. I went to see Iron man with some friends afterwards. That was fun.


Garden stuff. That was lots of fun. I did a lot of hard working and then I was playing on my little ocarina along the back of the garden in a hidden away place. A few people were commenting on it the next day, and it was nice to have so much gossip and banter about a little thing like that. I quite enjoy playing on my ocarina. When I got home, I didn't do much else that day.


Lets try to remember what happened yesterday: I did some email catchup, garden admin, interview prepping, exploring courses, and I went to a community group AGM and birthday party. I sent off an application, and did some job searching. I did 8 listed tasks that day.

At the party I did some networking and talking. One lady involved with the garden asked me to play with my ocarina (not an innuendo) at a garden exhibition. I laughed, and said yes. I feel odd with the way people are talking about me with the ocarina. I am the ocarina boy it seems. It's nice. At the AGM, there were other groups (of which the garden is one) who were talking about their activities and such. I was particularly taken aback at how blokey it was, and the whole gender performance thing became very notable. I sat with the garden people that evening. I was a little taken aback as I was the only guy among them.

(anxiety trigger and distraction takes over me as I type this, I lose concentration and figure I should just talk about the main thing I wanted to talk about)

So I go home, get some junk food, which I still haven't eaten yet. I see a girl on okcupid, I was chatting to her last week. Let's call her 'Mona'. Mona and I were chatting last week about small things like radio 4 and then suddenly it went to dildos. Mona asked me about what my Desert Island Discs would be. I had a think. I told her and she liked it. Last night she told me she had consolidated her breakup and had come to the concrete realisation that a past relationship was over. Mona asked if she could call me on the phone. I said I'll be anxious and I don't know what to say. Mona said something that threw me: you aren't the only one with anxiety

Mona and I talked for maybe 40 minutes. Mona was telling me how upset she felt. I thought I'd talk to her about random stuff, irrelevant stuff, stuff unrelated to her hurting. I talked for 10 minutes about how I liked candles and the light they bring in a dark place. Mona was talking about how she liked candles too. It relaxed her, it made her feel calm, and then she was sleepy. Mona said it helped that we talked, that I listened to her. Mona then asked me: would you like to meet up sometime? I said I would. I think I also said that I'd get anxious and I am quite inept with women or dating in general. Mona giggled and said that is quite endearing. I then said: I hear that a lot, too. Apparently that was quite funny.We were then talking a little bit more and I said to her: you should go to sleep. Just relax and take in the comfort, and then she did.

I felt like I did a nice thing for a girl, that I find attractive. I also felt that it was a girl that I could possibly get on with. Mona did say: I think we could get on well in real life. Real life. What the hell is real life in this day and age. I am so many persons to many different audiences. I'm ocarina boy, the garden organiser, the guy at the gym, badminton charge/trainee, the guy at work, the supporter of activists, the friend...


It's really tiring for me. I woke up feeling like I am stretched between all these persons, and it doesn't feel good for me. I also feel anxious about Mona. Mona is awesome, she's clever, sweet, articulate, sensitive, sensual, erotic and she's within bus journey distance. Its so exciting in fact, that I could actually go on a date with a girl, talk to her, and be myself, that it causes me anxiety.

After I got up, I had a bath. I washed my hair. I put in cedarwood, marjoram, bergamot and patchouli. My skin is impregnated with lovely oils and scent. I am going to a job interview later. It's in hampstead heath. Do you remember the last time I was at hampstead heath? I was giving an interview for radio 1. That was an age ago.

So I'm staring at the shadow cast by the sun, as outside my window is the direction of the sun, and the sun itself is technically behind my room. It's a nice view, I see all the white of the window frames glowng. I feel my anxiety simmering, its less bad. Still there. I'm going to try and calm down. Then I'll think about prepping for my interview.

Wish me luck

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