my anxiety episode on saturday 27th july

I'm going to start CBT finally on monday (today). I've had very bad episodes of anxiety thsi week. It has physically manifested as vomiting due to feeling breathless and not in control, these happened after parties I went to.

I am had an episode of what I think is an accurate account of a panic attack (I thought that was not a technical term but a popular science thing - turns out it is a rigid concept). I was going to the rehearsal, they said 'new unity hall', so i went there, i saw signs and everything. It had a banner saying 'birthplace of feminism' (woolstonecraft was there), so I swear it was the right place. Then I called the director of the rehearsal and hse said she opened the door and I'm not outside.

Then she gave me instructions (pass the petrol station, pass blabla street xxxx) and many of the details overwhelmed me because I realised none of these markers even made sense given the journey i walked through. i panicked. Some thoughts went to my head: either they are decieving me because they dont want me around, or I have seriously got the wrong address, or they have gotten the wrong initial address in the email they sent me and I'm going to have to try and find the right hall in east london within a 3 mile radius (equivalent of needle in a haystack).

I felt immense panic. I felt immense isolation. I felt immobile. I felt like all these other memories an feelings emerged, all the bad ones. Then I thought to myself: I've done enough this week, I've done enough new things, I've been playing mozart (which causes anxiety). I went to an unfamiliar area of london to visit a buddhist center all the people bar one were unfamiliar (which counts as about 3 seperate issues of anxiety), surely this is enough and I've proven to myself that I don't need to deal with this current anxiety situation.

I felt and decided that I will just walk back to the tube station and go home. Cut my losses as it were, and face my sense of embarrassment. I was too embarrassed to call the director to inform her of the decision, she also started the rehearsal already so she wouldn't anwer anyway. It was also swelteringly hot and this was wearing me down physically. I thought I'd just walk aimlessly about and my anxiety went down a little. I felt sad, disappointed and a bit isolated still, but I thought I will not care about the situation and just be in the now, of walking, of being in the sun.

I went to a nearby sainsburys and got a fizzy drink. I got it for comfort more than hydration. I realised the area I was in was a place where I once had to go near for an interview that went really really badly and I had a panic attack during it - basically it was an orientation/interview/training thing for a catering job and the woman at the interview was horrible to everyone, she told people how they had no chance of working there but they could stay for the rest of the orientation 'to learn something from people who will work here'. It was very cutthroat and intimidating and I was made to feel very frightened and she put people down a lot.

After I drank the mountain dew, I thought I'd attempt to find the venue one last time. I managed to find it by some fluke of luck and remembering the things I could about the directions from Amy. At that point I was 2 hours late and I briefly explained it to one of them and she was really kind and sympathetic about it. My anxeity went down but was still high, this affected my breathing and vision. After the rehearsal I got some junk food to comfort me. I needed anything to comfort me, and I figure junk food is not as bad to be addicted to than alcohol. Of course my eating habits has its own issues related and perhaps also seperate from the anxiety.

I felt like I wanted to continue looking for this hall. Turns out there were 2 halls of the same name. They didn't bother to clarify which of the two...they didn't know there were two halls of the same name. Turn out it was the same organisation that owned both.  It was a terrible anxiety episode and I don't feel better for havnig survived it. I just feel exhausted and ambivalent. stuff like that, and the vomiting, makes me HATE anxiety. I face challenges most people can't even imagine, and that doesn't even include all my weight training and piano practice having dyspraxia.