[something I think is diary worthy -but acutally a message I just sent now to someone from FL]

 

 

I had a difficult time with anxiety yesterday. After work a friend invited me over for a jamming session, it was semi-planned. By that I mean, he suggested it but I never got back to him about agreeing to the plan. So I had to go to another part of london (although not too far from home) from work and make a new journey.

The thing that caused anxiety was that I finished later than I wanted. I put a timer on to say 'this is the cut off point of our rehearsal' but we went over 10 minutes (I used a stopwatch to measure). I felt very irritable because I had a plan to do some gym training and classes afterwards, and I had a probability matrix of P(0.90) that I would miss the class.

I thought I'd try and do my best to fight the odds and I rushed home to get my gym kit and rushed back to the gym, but I was 3 minutes too late. That made me feel even more frustrated and I am not quite sure why. Maybe because I hate when things don't go to plan, or I hate when things interrupt a pre-established plan. I do feel that I get irritable if I don't do the gym sessions when I plan it.

However after the weights session and the class (I was too late for the first one) I felt that I wasn't physically irritable and I felt more physically relaxed. I guess I was forcibly relaxed after all the stuff I pushed myself through. I enjoy pushing myself, physically, mentally. But its not something I can turn on and off. I also knew I was anxious because I felt like I needed to go to the toilet, that's something that happens a lot when I am close to anxiety. Its almost like an early warning signal - or that it's too late to avoid it -still not sure.

It was my birthday this week. I decided on the day to do something spontaneous, I met up with a girl I initially went on a date with a couple months ago. We met up to talk. She's really insightful and she's very sensitive. Lenore is a little bit dark too. Lenore says that she is happy to know me and that she hopes we can be good friends. I like her company too, I feel I can be honest with her. I'm also quite glad there's almost zero sexual attraction on her part to me, that ironically makes me feel less anxious because there's no overtones or anything like that.