This weekend

Saturday

Two classes in the morning, then went to all-day party bbq. Lots of fun. On the way home I felt a deep sense of anxiety - hard to breathe, stomach upset. I vomited several times on the street on my way home. Not my proudest moment. I think I need to keep an eye on that - I had the same problem last week after going to guildford.

 

Sunday

Wake up, go to garden. Garden annoyance - this volunteering feels more like a chore to me lately and I am finding one specific older lady particularly grating and she's reaching my limit. I'm feeling like I'm reaching the limit of my patience with people. I know she means well, but I just don't like her.

Afterwards I got home, ate a bit, had a wank, then I went to my nephew's birthday party. A few kids, that was fun. There was a few family friends, couple of cousins, that was nice. I talked a bit to a friend of my sister's she's a lawyer for a corporation that another friend of mine works for. We shared scandal stories.She made me feel anxious, because she was pretty, finnish and friendly. Many of these things feel intimidating to me, mainly because I am a career-limbo Gen-Y loser.

Reflecting on the weekend

I'm marking everything up on my calendar right now. I'm writing this blog post as a way of helping me process and catch up with my feelings, and everything that has happeened.

An 'on this day' tells me about how Vince had a manic episode this time yesterday last year. Its otable that this week Vince was on the conversation topics as his mania is becoming an issue. My friend yesterday at the bbq was asking me about my brother's use of antidepressants. 'I didn't know he took antidepressants, did you?'

"no" I lie.

Mental health is a bit of a growing issue of acceptable conversation. Last night at the BBQ we were reminiscing various past times to my friend's 7-month girlfriend. The period between the years 2004-2007 were addressed, i.e. 'the depression years'. My friend was mmentioning on several occaisions how I was depressed and 'like a different person' back then. Back then I needed alcohol just to feel some kind of normal. Fucking hell I hated myself. I feel a little more comfortable with myself now...I've got more to do to improve my life.

Things that are grating on my mind right now:

• Going home from the BBQ today I felt uncomfortable that I gave the wrong driving route on the way home and it took too long to get home
• Talking to my sister's lawyer friend and the way she talked to me like a normal human being
• My brother blogging about going off his sertraline - makes me think about my own mental illness and how I am not comfortable with confronting it, personally let alone publically - I guess he's a stronger person than I could ever be to be so open about it
• The little things my friend (who hosted the BBQ) says that scratches me, mentioning who I used to be in the past, in particular, mentioning my depression, in particular
• The fact that I haven't done much this weekend except go to social occaisions. I really wish I had a day on my own doing 'nothing', or better still, do some work
• I'm feeling anxiety about the group of feminist activists that I wrote a couple of songs for - I'm feeling a big feeling and sense of rejection/exclusion from them..and not sure why this matters so much to me.

 

I'm not sure how to cope with these feelings. It feels like its something boiling and I don't know how to cool it down. I wish I knew how to cope. I know that the whole CBT thing is happening soon, but part of me also feels that honestly I don't expect any progress, because I have been disappointed by the mental health people so much in the past, if I based my predictions based on past experiences, then I have very poor prospects. (The problem of being a Bayesian). I need to procrasturbate less.

O-n-w-a-r-d-s- - - - - - -

• gotta do my weekly review now