How Do you like your eggs in the morning - a memory

Dear diary,

Perhaps one way I can measure how I feel is the way in which I wake up. To consider what I have to get up for at any given day. To think of what the structure of my day is, or whether there is any structure. I don't feel any structure right now. I feel slightly miserable. There's a little ditty thats going on in my mind at the moment. Do you ever have that? when there's a song, an earworm repeating in your head. I have this song playing in my head: 'How D'ya like your eggs in the morning' sung by Dean Martin and Helen O'Connell. I'll tell you why

Back in second year of uni, I would have these rituals to help comfort me with anxiety. One thing I'd do was listen to London radio station LBC even though I wasn't living or studying in London. It was a throwback from when I was back in my last year of college. I would enjoy listening to the radio late at night and after midnight because I was usually doing all nighters or staying up late, and it would comfort me. I found few things would comfort me back during my anxiety days and I would hold on to anything that used to give me respite. I guess that's why I masturbated all the time, it was the one thing depression and anxiety couldn't take away from me, although it did diminish my pleasure from wanking.

That song by Dean Martin, comes to mind because at the time during 2006, there was an advert, I think it was an insurance advert constantly playing on LBC. I would remember hearing it played during the mornings, when I felt tranquilised and dead by the antidepressants. I felt hopeless and with no motivation, yet this very pleasant and happy little ditty would play. It felt like torture, it felt like reminding me that I should be living a better life but I'm suffering instead. Suffering, suffering. That's an interesting word. I think it fits. I spent years suffering.

I wake up now, thinking about that song. I don't know why, my brain is constantly making associations. That's probably what makes my intellectual self so ecclectic. I should get on with my day. Maybe I can make something positive from it, even though deep down I feel hopeless.