prison beard

Dear Diary,

The love affair that was two screen computer interface has died. My monitor was fucking up all day and distracted me to no end due to the disturbance it caused. I finally decided to retire it, until the next time.

In other news, today my friend invited me to help him move into his flat tomorrow, he needs some extra hands and company with driving around. I'm happy to help, he's my bro, he's my buddy.

I'm also supposed to do a rehearsal on sunday at 3pm, after the garden. Honestly I'm not really feeling it. I don't think he can take a hint.

I didn't do any piano practice today, nor did I do any reading for the book review. I'm feeling a bit stupoured today. I guess you could say I'm feeling a bit low, tired. Watching all those episodes of Oz is depressing me a little. I am growing a 'prison beard' at the moment. Every day that I've been doing some intensive piano training I haven't shaved. That's about 4-5 days now. I think I  might keep the beard, it feels like a tattoo, or a personal mark of achievement, a sense of a personal journey. I'm not ready to let go of it yet. Facial hair with meaning. Everything with my appearance seems to attempt a personal sense of meaning, except for the things I can't choose, like the little beauty spot on my chest, or the other intimate parts of my body.

So I've been watching oz, wanking and sweating in the humid heat. For the past week or so the humidity has gone right up.

Tomorrow I'm thinking about cancelling the gym. I really want to go. The cute instructor will be there, and the girl at the local pub who talked to me. It's almost resembling a social life being there.

However I've got my friend to help out. I guess I'll let my bro down if I weren't there. I find it a bit of a chore to hang around him, it feels like a lot of effort. Then again, everything feels like effort lately. Even doing nothing.

Until this very second I forgot one memory of summers past - what its like to be depressed over summer. In some ways this is the best summer I've had since ...since the year I did my 'A' level recital. Funny that I am going back to that physical place and performing at my old school in a few days time.

I feel like I've moved on, but physically and symbolically and psychologically, I still have a foot in the past.