dear diary,

 

I had a panic attack today. a real one. it felt like I was going mental and losing my mind, it was like I was worried I had crossed over to the truly mentally ill where there felt like a point of no return. 

 

Did I return to the real world? Idon't know.

 

Antonia's daughter has arthritis, we injected these horrible needles into her knees. she cried unbearably. It was one of my darkest experiences, seeing a child cry because of arthritis.She said things like 'why do I have to go through this and other kids don't?' - she asks questions that grown ups don't really have answers to.

She's the bravest person I've ever seen. That little girl is wonderful. I'm so happy that she has a new stepdad and that Antonia is living a new and happy life. 

 

During my visit, my laptop screen died. I'm very sad about that. I had a panic attack about that--although I had a panic attack about other things too...

• Not being able to afford a new laptop
• Being in a shit job situation
• Antonia's daughter's arthritis
• My lonliness
• The lonliness that comes from anxiety and panic
• The sadness of having to return to panic
• During the laptop screen incident, I had to attempt alternatives, I even tried using my old laptop, the one I got from the disability student's allowance. 

 

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. Tomorrow is sunday work and I'm not even thinking about that. I am not even bothered about it right now. My anxiety is in another place. 

 

Perhaps I should focus on money, earning it and buying a new computer...I was thinking either a high end laptop (which doesn't seem to exist in the spec I want) or, a low end laptop, a tablet, and a high end desktop, so I can be mobile laptoping; travel tableting and high-end gaming at home.

 

I'm going off to bed. I've had a fucking nightmare of a day. The sooner it ends the better.

 

That doesn't even include how i massaged a naked woman today...I think that makes 3 naked women I've massaged this year. Still no sex though.

 

I realise how dependent I am on Lampe - its very disturbing...its very worrying...it also is very asperger-y