Dear Diary,

 

Things that I did yesterday:

• Body Pump at the gym
• Body Combat (following)
• Watching a whole lot of breaking bad
• (wanking)
• Feeling tired

Some days I feel like I need to allow myself to feel tired, some days I can't pretend that I'm holding everything up. My body just needs it. I just need a moment where I can space out and let everything turn to the foreground of my thoughts, let everything be peripheral vision and where nothing is in focus. 

 

So, waking up today, feeling okay. I'm off to work today. I'm feeling half scared about it. Another thing that's fucking with my head is that another person from the scheme I'm in is starting tomorrow. Now its not anything about her personally (she seemed nice when we met), its the fact that I am the pretending to be the 'experienced' person in the office on her first bloody day! That's scary. I dislike it for two reasons, one, is the presumption that I am experienced enough to help her out, and secondly, the feeling that I might get overly involved and not be helpful. I think the latter thing is something I am self conscious about. 

 

So today, I'll be managing the office, on my own, again. How the fuck do I end up in these situations. I hope I don't get anxious like before. I've been trying to think about, visualise that colleague that I think is cute.I'm trying to think about her so much that there is no longer a novelty in her attractiveness and pixie-like otherworldliness. 

I'm so tired of fancying people, fancying people that I have zip chance of doing anything about my feelings. 

As today is a day of anxiety, I might think about the whole bowel movement thing that the psychologist and I talked about. I have been using moodgym lately and its really helpful.