Dear Diary,

Work was pretty challenging today. I faced it off pretty well at the time, but as I finished it all up and made my way home I started feeling miserable, then there were no places in balance class. After that I went home, thought about getting KFC. I then got home and played piano for an hour. I was working on my mozart, then sight reading rags, then went back to another piano piece, then I did some scales, lots of scales. In fact all of the major and harmonic minors. It felt good. I enjoyed focussing on them, it engaged my brain, it felt like I was accessingsome sense of deep wisdom and ancient knowledge inside of me, it felt like my deceased teacher was still there next to me, helping me.

 

There's a kid we play badminton with, he's starting uni about now. He reminds me so much of me at that age, quiet, nice guy, keeps himself to himself. Uni is going to blow his mind or not, who knows his future.

 

Uni is starting for all those kids. Can't help but think about when I started. One of my friends is writing up his PhD now, another guy...well the less said about him the better, and another guy is a lawyer. I'm almost getting my life on track, working -almost full time hours at the Sentinel. I'm doing lots of stuff, booking travel, taking calls, asking for press passes to fancy events and the workload is really intense. It got kinda too intense. 

 

So I'm reading this thing about panic attacks for CBT sessions (finally started them, thank fuck). It's really upsetting and challenging to read about it and trying to be calm. This is an issue so personal and sensitive to me, I was talking to my doctor last week (who is a pretty woman) about how I feel like I might shit myself. I have anxiety problems DURING the sessions. That's not good.

 

I have to believe that what I'm doing now is significant. I have to believe I'm being strong, I'm being noble, I'm the best person I've ever been. I'm the best that I have ever been. 

 

Right now, I'm thinking about Bristol, thinking about Stoke Bishop and the halls. Its a place that makes me feel fright, makes me feel sad. Makes me feel like I missed out on so much. 

 

I had a bath earlier today, and I had some dark thoughts. I was thinking about how appealing it would be to start purging again. I dont know if I was serous about it, but I did miss the physicalsensations of it. I'm not going down that route.