I keep a 'bible' of names to keep up with who I've mentioned and who their real names on the blog. The girl I went on a date with, I shall call Hunter.
Hunter and I chat a lot on facebook. Hunter has a history with depression, but she's doing loads better now. Hunter is starting a job soon and she's non-monogamous (I almost said polyamorous!).
Hunter and I chat a lot, and I have feelings for her. I kind of feel like we are in a very real sort of relationship, but its not like a socially sanctioned relationship. We started chatting on fetlife, we met up in person and we support each other online all the time. Hunter makes me blush and she sees all the good in me. I'm starting to show her the 'bad' side of me. I told her for instance that I took a shit in a public place out of anger earlier this week. Hunter was angry at me, but at least I told her something about me being real, authentically angry and showing the dark side to myself.
I saw Kate Nash play a gig this week, she was inspiring, she had a message for all of the young girls in the audience, to be who you are and do whatever you want. People will put down girls (especially young girls) because they seem stupid or such by the rest of the world, and thats exactly why they should stand up for themselves and not give a fuck. The other bands who played before were really good. There was an asshole fellow next to me who was heckling the performers, I wanted to knock him the fuck out, but I think he was autistic or something - I genuinely don't think he was intentionally being malicious but unaware of his socially breaching behaviour. I cannot be the guy who beats up someone for having learning disabilities - not me of all people. He did piss me off.
Hunter is making me admit things, particularly that I have a problem with food. I have a problem with food lately, I also have a problem with anger. Bother are related to my other thoughts. I'm 27 and going fucking nowhere in life. I did some high profile job applications this month and had a few interviews that went nowhere this year. I have no prospects and Im working 2 part time jobs that do not equal a full time job. I felt realyl down in the dumps and the only outlets I have are the gym and food. I am not wanking so much these days, perhaps because of my schedule and perhaps of the changes that affected me when my laptop died. I wank with my tablet computer and its pretty good, but I don't wank with the frequency that I used to. I wank maybe just under once a day. I guess you could say I have too much in my day. I feel like sleep is more a useful application of my efforts than wanking.
Saturday morning I went for body pump, found out that the class was full, so I optioned for gym, then I found that I forgot my fucking shorts. I went to the public library and I kinda felt - humbled. I remember the last time I was in the public library my wifi died and I needed a new place to go to check my emails. I saw all these books in the library, many about self help, many about being empowered about yourself, many about issues people have, eating disorders, self harm, racial discrimination, aspergers, dyslexia (none on dyspraxia). I saw access level course books, books on blogging, all sorts of self-help books.
I felt like I was transported to another world, another mindset. In my normal mind I always have to be the best or read thep rimary source or be on some cutting edge. In that library I was 17 again, reading introductory books and books for general audience. I kinda felt normal I felt like I never went to university and almost as if I still had hope
Hope is something I don't have at the moment. I'm reminded of a quote from the TV show Oz. Said says to a prisoner about to return to the real world: "hope is a waking dream", Poet, who is leaving asks: who said that, Mohammed? (as Said is a very visible Muslim in the series). Said replies: Aristotle.There was an air of optimism and openness with that surprising attribution from Said. Poet then replies: well, that motherfucka aint never been to Oz. Oz is a prison with horrible things happening.
I'm not doing so well right now.
I'm trying new methods and techniques to try and help me, I'm looking at mindfulness, I'm looking at timing myself, and trying not to multitask, im also trying not to be distracted.
not doing so well with the overeating thing. Fuck the pizza i had last night was delish. I am doing quite badly with control - I ate 2 christmas presents of chocolates
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