Tuesday, December 17, 2013

All I have is my rage and the gym.

dear diary,


I've not done enough today. I woke up early, but some things got in my way and im not sure where my head has been. I made a decision/forgot my oyster card so I walked to hospital, I overall walked about 7 miles today, instead of busing everywhere. Today is one of my so-called off days, every day is an off day in my life working two part time jobs. 


At CBT we discussed a few things. Firstly we talked about the last anxiety situation I was in when I was working at the Sentinel news desk. We talked about the way I had to approach things, and she tried being all 'CBT' and trying to question the movitations and thoughts that I had in my head that caused anxiety, and I replied to say that there weren't so much feelings but it was the situation itself that was anxiety, then she tried probing further to ask: is it necessary to do x,y,z and I replied: yes cos it was my fucking job. I'm not sure how helpful CBT is when you are actually in high pressure and unavoidable situations, what if I have anxiety because my life and job are genuinely challenging situations? What do I fucking do about that? She suggested progressive muscle relaxation, I said it helps me realise how my body is disproportionately balanced and I feel more pain on my right side than my left, and that's probably more about the way I train and I am left hand dominant, plus I have issues with gait and a fall a couple weeks ago, so being aware of my body doesn't help my anxiety too much.


The actual helpful (and second) thing we talked about was mindfulness. I addressed how I had an issue with concentration and focussing on tasks when I have so many other thinsg building up in my mind and my life. The more things build up the less I'm able to cope with anything, and everything. Therapist introduced mindfulness as being in the moment and that entails: being aware of but phasing out attention to the past, the future and other things in the present, and just focussing on whatever it is I'm choosing to focus on. Something kind of clicked, it sort of reminded me about Buddhism and I actually felt that might be something I can look into. I felt very vulnerable today. I might look more into this mindfulness malarky. I am also looking into 'timing' my tasks to aid productivity. I have set 1 or 2 hour timers on my tablet as a way to make me feel in a rush and being in a rush motivates me to get to the finish line with more achieved. I am in fact typing with the stopwatch on right now as it happens. 


I also vandalised the hospital today, I expressed my contempt and rage at certain doctors and nurses who mistreated me. I am a janus faced cunt, acting all nice and vulnerable but deep down I'm a rage monster. I'm feeling very angry lately, a mix of lots of things, feeling unsuccessful in life and doing nothing about it. My feelings have no discernable form of resolution. All I have is my rage and the gym. The third thing we talked about was how to take the Aspergers assessment further, doctor said something about allocating funding for me to see the 'genetic unit' or something like that. I want it to be taken forward by occupational therapists. I had good experience with occupational therapists in the past. 


All this childhood memory stuff is grating at me. I'm thinking about my uni memories lately as well..and most of them are not good. I used to be fat and miserable, now I'm just slightly tubby and miserable.

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