there's an idea in my head at the moment. this is an idea that has been on my mind from time to time over the years. despite all the depression and the anxiety and all the suffering, i am interested in who the person is beneath all of those things, i am interested in the person that is deep under that all, the person that is me, the defining me. if there is such a thing. 

 

There's a song, rider of the last day - which I feel I want to relate to me. Feet in the mud fists to the sky/Draw strength from the lightning splitting my eye - thats' what I want for me.

 

I'm feeling upset and angry at myself - i missed a deadline for the civil service analytical fast stream - I'M SO FUCKING INCENSED AND I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME

 

There's no point in smashing anything, I'd have to clean it up.