Tuesday, May 18, 2010

All roads lead to victoria

I am writing this blog post while I am in the REED office. I am hopefully likely to submit this to my blog later in the evening.

At the moment I am writing up emails that comprise mainly of maintaining contacts. I have emailed (at the suggestion of my advisor) to follow up my job application on friday; of the one that I had a 'good feeling' about. I am also replying to an interview request. They are asking for samples of my published work and they are suggesting I take a written test. I need to tell them that I have dyspraxia.

Oh, another email I need to send is to book time with the police. I'm probably the only brown guy to go in there that isnt' suspected of something; I feel like quite the uncle tom. Funny enough I have someone in my family called uncle tom, but I digress.

My interview; should I choose to accept it, is in Victoria. Victoria is a place that has a lot of memories for me. It's the place where I went to take a bus to my university town; its the place where I went 'home' from university.

Victoria has meant a lot of things to me. I went home from university feeling like an outcast, a loser, a reject. I came home feeling back as a part of something, a part of my old self; this could be comforting, it could also be infuriating. Infuriating because I would always be stuck in the past.

When I was in limbo year one; between 2008-2009 before I moved back home; I visited feeling a sense that I would soon return home permanently, and it was a housing tenancy that held me back. That tenancy was like a life support for my relationship with Antonia; it kept it alive, but also was the means to the end of my relationship (do you see what I did there? I used 'end' as an equivocal term).

I've regularly been to Victoria for interviews. A lot of the think tanks are above random shops like turkish coffee houses and bizarre asian run mobile phone shops. I'm pretty sure there's a reason why victoria has so many charities, NGOs and QUANGOs. I just dont know what it is. Victoria is SW1; it's similar to my home address postcode. That's awfully comforting. It is also near to the real centres of power and influence; the London that I came to love was the london I was not brought up in. This area is the london I grew up in: dark, bleak, unemployment, jeremy kyle like tragic figures.

I'm only a few wards away from Victoria. It's odd how London can change so much from economic and social desparation to the highest echelons of governmental control and decision making. Its the difference from a gang member who fucks girls and leaves the kid; to smart whitehall types with safe public sector pensions.

Victoria has a lot of meanings for me. It's weird to return to it. London is a strange mix of feelings and associations. It is odd to return to places that I have once been to as a different person; it makes me think: what person will I be now?

I guess one of the reasons I haven't blogged so much is that I'm so busy living a certain way of life that I am not doing much to 'capture' it. In a sense thats a good thing. Overthinking is a sign of depression. I hate that bloody word, but I have addressed a revised notion of the term in previous posts.



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