Dear Diary,

I'm up at 1-something AM.

This morning I got up about 10 or so. I did some proper errands between 1-5pm. I got tired and fell asleep maybe between 6:30-9:30pm.

I pondered whether to get a deliveroo of dessert food today from the local dessert specialist restaurant. I decided against it.

I've been having some thoughts just now. Upstairs there's a skylight and I was right in front of the moon. It was beautiful and helped me think.

I thought to myself: what went wrong in 2007-2008? What went wrong in 2009? What went wrong in 2009 was a consequence of 2007-2008; what went wrong in 2007-2008 was a consequence of the uni years. What went wrong in that freshers week in 2004?

Can I really pin it to that? no, not all, I made other decisions since then, but it's all part of a garden. The garden has weeds and while there are some clearings, other perennials are deeper set. /analogy

Perhaps I need to focus my thoughts on certain things. Like a self-therapeutic process. I also need time to walk. Nietzsche's old dictum: some of my best thoughts are from walking. I need to walk, I need time where I'm doing something menial where my thoughts come, original thoughts, ideas, aspirations, boredom. The most interesting and creative things to come from such boredom.

I also need to make more efficient use of my time.

The preworkout is affecting my mind. I can tell when the preworkout is in my mind. I think differently. I think with lucidity. But with lucidity comes the fog. Sometimes I'm foggy. But....I feel like part of that depressive me was about those foggy moments. I felt like I was supposed to not be foggy and I couldn't shake it. I need moments of lucidity. This preworkout is a drug. Beta-alanine, creatine, caffiene, the combination of whatever it is is doing magic on my mind, but it is lighting out of a bottle. I can only harness it periodically.

So it seems my mind is shut on right now. I should make the most of it.