Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Dear Diary,

There are some feelings. The deepest inclinations and emotions, things linked to powerful mTories and experiences, which I really wonder ever go away.

One of them for me is: abandonment, a lack of trust; that want to trust someone and then feeling let down. What happens then is anger, righteous anger (or so it feels) and then once the fire of that righteous anger burns others, a sense of emptiness of pushing others away.

Lately I talk about plays, play as in, a sequence of actions (i.e. power play). Where I work there are so many plays, so many mind games. It is perhaps the case that I perpetuate most of them.

My anger has a play, but I do it in such an instinctual way it is a weakness. I react in the identical instinctual way repeatedly. Perhaps so much that if someone were smart enough they could take advantage.

I feel like another play takes place, the play of pushing those away when I have a miniscule cause for doubt or mistrust or betrayal.

It feels fun to get involved in all the play bullshit, it also feels like running a script that was already written.

The bold thing to do would be to challenge that play, challenge that instinctual response. I would then be in a new and unfamiliar situ. Now wouldn't that be something.

There's a familiarity to anger and mistrust. There's an uncertainty to being open to trust.

There were people who wanted to help me. I'm not sure if there are still people who want to help me.

The feeling in me is the fear of being misunderstood, someone imposing their narrative or bias and not getting the picture that is correct. And my script is to control the narrative.

A guy in group once said that such behaviour is a sign of insecurity within myself. I think he's right.

I'm soon to finish my group. I think I've been avoiding the prospect of facing what happens next. I think I have been avoiding it because I'm not ready to be on my own. I'm not ready to be without the support.

As I conclude this diary entry. I should say that a visage of Mia has entered.

She and I are going to talk.

Just talk.

(no purging, I promise)

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