Dear Diary,

The past couple of days at work have taken a toll on me. I'm not so hot on it.

Yesterday I had group. It was the penultimate session. We are to finish the group and never meet any of the men in there ever again (a key condition of group). It was interesting to see their journeys. One guy is a young guy and he wants to get into work; another guy is getting into a new family routine; another guy feels more confidence.

There's a guy in the group, I really get what he's feeling just from the tone of his voice less of what he's saying. A guy in the group who is really open. If I were more open or if I were younger, he would have been someone I would be mates with I'd think.

Anyway, I just want to finish the group. I don't think it helped but it's an NHS pathway to more help. The IAPTs people emailed me recently to say that I need more intensive help.

Today I varied my routine by going to a pub and observing a pub debate organised by a local community group which I used to be associated with. I met a woman there, lets call her '42 but was 35 and hot when I first met her'. 42 is going away to latin america. 42 told me that she spent a year volunteering and is going back for a year away to work on some environmental and infrastructure projects in the central america.

After the debate (which I left early), I went to a takeaway and then got home. In my head I am thinking it's a Thursday, but it is in fact a wednesday (for the next few mins).

You know, I really really want to take some time off. I really, really need to be away from work for a while and spend more time doing what I'm doing right now, reflecting on myself, observing my feelings and healing myself. There are times where I really want to write and reflect and take stock of things going on in my life, but I'm too bloody tired or too much going on.

It's a good thing to be busy. I think the alternative is worse. However, I am beginning to think now that I want to pace things. Some days I want to put everything in fifth gear and get all the thins done and be wonderfully efficient. Other times I wish to sit on a bench and listen to the birds sing while watching a vast open space of a green park or a field or some sight in nature.

I've been using a lot of pen and paper lately. I'm burning through a fair bit of paper and a n amount of notepads fairly well. I could do better .