Friday, September 28, 2018

Dear Diary,

All the notable things I've experienced today I've written on a to do list on Google Keep. I've written so much down that I usually have the weekend to process it. Both emotionally and in an administrative sense.

The really big thing that happened to me today was that I had an impromptu meeting with my boss, who showed me the 'big thing' he's working on.

So, The Sentinel is [redacted]. It's so amazing because I grew up [redacted] and my dad is the kind of person who would really like something like that.

I'm working on [redacted]. It's a really strange thing to work on such an organisation which is setting its sights on [redacted]. I really love the New Yorker and it almost feels like this might be what it is to work for a stylish forward thinking but traditional medium.

But you know what, that didn't really feel like a big part of my day. On Wednesday afternoon, I made a thing that I called the 'shopping list'. The shopping list is a euphemism for when I have a fuckload of work. What I do is, I write a big fuckoff list of things, all to fit on a one-pager (another made up phrase I've made). I write the tasks down which range from gobbit jobs (a term I learned from a theologian at Uni) to more extensive tasks broken down.

Basically, I'm almost close to being a proper grown up. I've finally made it.

This job is so great. I do sort of wish I had a better job title that reflected the work that I did. I could say I'm an executive assistant (I earn more than them), maybe a PA? (I earn more than most PAs but not more than city PAs). I'd like 'production manager', business analyst, oh fuck it, why not call me 'editorial manager' with an aspiration to be managing editor. Okay now with those last few I'm pushing it. Production manager is sort of what I'm actually doing. I'm running a production schedule for many sections of a 6 day weekly newspaper.

Can you believe we've gone to this point in life?

Well, I've got things I want to do. I've become Ed Norton off from the film Fight Club, and like Ed Norton, I have become an insuffrable asshole lately. The PTSD night terrors are not so good. Sudden loud noises, things like cyclists who don't stop at a red light or sirens (sirens really hit me bad) change my thinking. My thinking isn't...healthy.

I haven't spent much time at the computer lately. I need to update a shitload of spreadsheets, do some financial planning and plan for a social life. I've not done any of those things lately. I really would love to take some time off, but I've got some pressing deadlines at work which prevent me from taking time off.

I want to talk about group a bit more. I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss the guys in the group. They were all in different circumstances to me. We all had to end the group and we are all doing it to move on with a semblance of life. They felt a sense of hope and positivity after finishing. One guy decided he wants to do more for his family and spend more time with his wife. Another guy has made a choice that means he has more family time. One guy is really close to getting into work (he's young). A guy older than me has a certain kind of routine in his life, thinking about his income and...well I'm not really sure if he has definite answers. Another guy has shown an increased sense of self assurance, even standing up to some of his friends when he didn't before - nigga grew a spine. Then there's the guy who I felt I related to the most, he had a lot of problems and demons. He's going to reach out to his stepdad and has career aspirations. The guy changed career (not by choice) and is making a new way in his life. I think we all are.

Am I?

I guess I aspired. This life isn't the one I wanted. But it is the life I have, and it's comfy. My knees aren't too fucked yet. I've begun to feel some arthritic tendencies in my hands lately.

I need more time to process things. I think my way of doing that is by writing lists, doing spreadsheets and then the emotions come out. I've already set up an inventory to schematise aspects of my life and problem solving.

I should also say - I'm adjusting my dosing for Creatine lately. It helps to lower the dose. I don't get that whole weirdness where I go all 'Eddie Morra' from that Limitless film but also with the really bad consequences.

That film really hit me, limitless. I probably saw it around 2011 or 2012? It made me feel that film was a defining moment of the decade (for me anyway) as the tone shifted so much from the 2000s. The transition from the 2000s to the 2010s was marked by a god awful new years eve party. One of the girlfriends from that party is now a talking head on various news outlets and she's a PR goddess. My mate really crapped out by not holding that relationship.

It seems that the 2010s are to close. You know. I'd really like to have a new years celebration. One with the boys. Maybe like, book a cottage somewhere and fuck around.

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