Dear Diary,

I should stop trying to overexplain things sometimes.

I am heavily reliant on google keep these days (google calendar -- obviously, but I can't do micro detail on it).

One task I have apparently set monthly is to write 3 things I'm positive about in a day, and write a list of things I'm positive about in the future.

Things I am positive about

• My work at The Sentinel really has an impact on the business, so much so that it's draining myself -- (no, no, positives).
• I spent this evening mostly sitting up instead of laying down. I usually am laying in bed and that leads to inaction and then feeling miserable for inaction. Despite being tired from a long day, I have been upright and not prone
• I'm glad that I went to the dentist last week. I'm really working on myself lately. That consists of working on my mental health and physical health. I'd really like a day off to take a breather and do some planning

Things I'm positive about in the future

• Payslip's coming up
• Next month I might get a pay rise (subject to union decision)
• Today I went to a debate without speaking - being passive is not my strong suit
• I've got a ticket to see David Helfgott in a few weeks
• I have my health
• I have access to clean water and shelter
• I value my family - I can work on showing more gratitude
• I have a support network, despite group ending soon.
• I have a routine
• I have a full belly - a bit too full but it isn't life threatening. 

When I wrote on this blog at the beginning it was always negative. And sometimes I'd be so negative that I didn't know how to not be negative, I'd not know how to be positive and the absence of negativity felt uncomfortable as I was so familiar with things being shit. 

The other thing is: being a depressive and then coming out of it...you lost an identity. As fucked up as that is, its uncomfortable to lose an identity, its a fear of losing an identifier of youself that you are uncertain of what to hold on to. I'm looking at my desk right now. Big stack of papers to the left. Big stack of books to the right. I've got no shortage of things to do.