Dear Diary,
It has been a helluva weekend. I'm not sure whether to talk about it or not. I went to see my ex, then things went wrong which wasn't her fault or mine (technically it was the fault of a burst pipe leading to a sewage explosion in her garden). We had a sort of fight, we had sex and cuddles and then I went home early in the morning. I got back around 9:50, and there is something satisfying about a train journey from an unfamiliar place, with lots of people fresh faced with the whiff of coffee in the air and a sense and buzz of motion in life.
Getting home, I then saw an interesting thread on facebook and then commented on it, it was surprisingly intellectual for my friends. I then went to help at the community garden, then my jacket (which I've had for over 4 years) tore and a button came off, and I was soaking and covered in shit at the garden. Funny enough that makes it twice in 2 days where I am covered in shit with ill equipped garden tools. When I got home, I had a shower, took some lunch and then went to sleep while Edward Gibbon addressed the increasing significance of germanic tribes against the stability of Roman rule in the 2nd century.
I slept not only for 4-5 hours, but I also missed a visit from my uncle and aunt. I was in the same area that my uncle lived in earlier today. This is the uncle who recently died that I'm referring to, and it wasa bit emotional to pass through the area. I miss my uncle, and there are a lot of things going on in life that can be awfully sobering. Seeing my ex and her daughter living in near-poverty and the latter's educational underachievement problems at school upsets me in ways I do not know how to express. I want the best for them, truly. There is a part of me which often wants to try and save people. There's also a part of me which realises that some battles I just cannot fight and its for other people to hold the fort.
I was hoping to do the gym today, but soaking wet clothes and a gym bag say otherwise. I have a jacket that is torn, a jacket that I bonded very strongly with once upon a time, as it represented 'thin me' when I was purging. Now that jacket is outdated, faded and doesn't fit an older version of me. I need to get a new jacket and I need to get a new backpack. I've had my backpack since 2001, when I was in the USA on the month before the terror attacks (probably the best time before the worst time to be in the USA as a brown person).
If there is a theme for this week it may be the theme of my 'A' level exam in music: change and continuuity. Lots of things have stayed the same that are a bit tired. My job situation for instance, but also my clothes, my bag is worn out and torn up, my jacket is faded from a dark navy blue to a sort of navy blue and colour faded grey-white tinge; my boots are covered in shit. I returned to my ex and a lot of the nice feelings and some of the not-so-nice feelings. Returning to her made me think of the things that I hate about myself. I try to avoid remembering things. I've spent many pages in this blog talking about memories, sometimes its nice and helpful and illuminating to think about memories, sometimes its comforting and cathartic, sometimes its necessary (in case of anniversaries) as a form of reflecting upon the important things. Revisiting my ex was revisiting myself.
Some things that my ex said to me over the weekend made me shiver a little bit. Antonia said that she missed me very much, but the 'me' of that time is no longer. I am a different person now and so is she. I still love her and I probably always will. I have my own life now, and as shit as it can be with all the job rejections, little results and poor earnings, its mine to live. I want to say that I'm looking forward to the rest of the week and all the things that it brings, but I'm tired. I'm actually forcing myself to write a reflection post for this weekend as I'm also tired of thinking about it even when the memories are still fresh.
Here's a summary of reflections:
- I can be very sexy, intelligent, sensitive, caring, helpful and assertive. Maybe I'll be somebody's perfect partner one day. But for now there's data entry and job applications to do.
- There is a lot of adversity in my life, and a lot in those of others lives. This upsets me when its really strong adversity.
- I'm really glad that I did Pilates and Body Balance classes at the gym. I must admit that its intimidating to be in a class full of women. About as intimidating as being around a bunch of meatheads on the weight racks at the gym. The thing is, I'm turning into a bit of a meathead myself.
- I've done arguably 4 training sessions this week (2 combined in one day in one instance). If you count gardening, that's 5 training days and not including the physically gruelling activity and anxiety involved this saturday
- I've had sex. The sex was great, but sometimes my preoccupation with feeling inadequate for not getting any female attention is overrated.
- I have to admit that I like fitting in. I feel like I'm becoming someone different. I like getting involved with my local environmental group; I like to play badminton with my neighbours; I like training with my friends and I like being someone who appears as a social being
Since I slept for so long earlier today I'm not sure if I'll end up sleeping tonight. However I'll give it a try. Coffee plus sleep deprivation plus still being drunk at 5-10am did feel nice but I think that I would like to just warmdown and catch up on healing for now. I'm pushing myself a lot lately, some of it is out of choice, much of it this week however, was not.
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