Anxiety quotient

Dear Diary,

 

The less I post, the more I seem to have to say. I'm back from a night out with a couple of the boys. It was local as it happened. I didn't drink any alcohol, just a couple of glasses of cranberry. I felt awkward there, there were lots of pretty boys and girls out tonight and I wasn't the kind of fellow who would normally talk to strangers. It was a different crowd of people, my mate's brother (who I went airsofting with) and his girlfriends friends. It was nice to see him all the same.

I decided to go home at midnight and then I ate a bit at a local chicken eaterie. There was a fellow who went to my school who recognised me, and we shook hands and had a dignified 'ah so we survived jesuit school together'. Then a drunk woman interupted and joined in our conversation. As the events panned out, we were at the same table with said drunk woman and were talking about various things. The lady was kind of cute, although drunk, and potentially outrageous. I was quiet and reserved and listened. I found her amusing just by virtue of talking to a stranger and probing the outlet of my anxiety. I learned that this woman went to a school near me, also knew a school near my old university that I knew some people went to at my old Bristol days, and then she went her merry way, and so did I.

The lady commented that I was very kind. Presumably because she was so blind drunk few would want to take her seriously. I suppose I also didn't have that 'creepy' vibe to me that is so prevalent on nights out. I often get told that I'm a kind person, or a nice person, sometimes caring. I never feel its possible that I can accept those kinds of ascriptions. I do like being 'the smart one' though. On the way home I saw a pair of women walking drunkenly, I computed that they were going to fight. They looked like two friends fairly drunk going home, my hunch was that a confrontation was going to brew on the basis of their body language. Guess what? I was right. I got my friend to take a video out of our my perverse sense of knowing that I'm right about these things. Also, I am a voyeur of the social.

So I'm home, it's saturday night, and I was out like a normal guy in his 20s should normatively do. I didn't drink, and my friends are quite tolerant of that. I still feel sad, however. I feel sad because I'm lonely. I feel sad because my anxiety tingles in so many of my social interactions. When I am around people at work, I am performing a role and so there isn't so much of an emotional cost. Outside I am in my civilian clothing and I felt slowly eaten by the interactions. I was at a meetup.com event meetup thingy today, it was nice. I got to see some new people. In addition, I also got some cool new books. I even got a 2nd copy of Goffman. I fucking love Goffman.My body has been really tired since after work on Thursday. Friday was slightly recovery, then today was also slight recovery. I ate a lot of junk. I also ate a lot of junk food. My anxiety is eating me a lot today. I'm glad that I went out though. I'm not glad what it's doing to me.

 

Today was really great in terms of the weather. I also got aroused slightly by seeing more of the sandals and bare feet about. There is something liberating about going out just in my t-shirt. Thursday was a long day. After work, I did the gym and then pilates immediately afterwards. It was brutal.

I think I should do something bold and ask a girl out. However, I've reached my quota this month of activities.