Dear Diary,
I set a routine because I distinctly have a lack of a routine in my life. I'm either working, going out, exhausted or really upset, and those tend to get in the way of real life. Today I am neither of those (okay, maybe a bit tired) despite the fact that the first hour of waking up was agony on my arms. Today I booked a train ticket, I plan to see my ex and be amicable, and, yes, there might be some sex involved. Antonia broke up with her current guy, I'm not interested in a relationship or necessarily falling in love. I do want to fuck her though, and she wants to fuck me. It's been too long since I've last had sex. The pressure of normal society dictates that as a 25 year old, I should have a decent place of my own with a semi-decent job and a fuck from time to time, and the former two don't look like its coming any time soon.
I've sent 2 job applications today, and maybe some more will come. That makes a total of 3 this week. In addition, I've had to follow up a problem with work, namely, I've not been paid. I called payroll and they said they are going to follow it up. I haven't been paid since January and its a real bastard of an issue. They ought to sought it. I have set thursday 3rd as the ultimatum until I kick up a big shitstorm. One thing I've learned in my life is that followup is crucial. Everything goes wrong, everyone disappoints.
Disappointment. That seems to be the unifying theme of my life and my outlook. I'm disappointed in myself, and I'm disappointed in the world which I feel has let me down. I can't do much about the latter for most of the time, but I try to work on the former. Today my provisional plan is to go to badminton. I may or may not see a friend of mine who wants to play with us, this is the same friend who wanted to do gym with me last night but that didnt work. I tried to go to pilates yesterday but the places were booked. I then moved home, that was a 2 mile walk. I wouldn't say its 'for nothing' as I'm trying to lose weight and any energy expenditure is good.
I think my outlook has changed a bit lately. I see actions as a way of expending energy, making me tired and burning calories. The more I burn out the less fat I will have. I should hope that leads to results. I've been taking weight training a lot more seriously over the past few weeks and I also realise that I need to do more cardio. Exercise and keeping fit is more than just a hobby, its my way of keeping sane. Another thing that I've learned about myself over the past few weeks is that I need to read lots of books to keep sane. I'm currently reading a book about 20thC expressionism, which is a topic that I didn't study about at university and I don't really know about it except for odd references in social theory books that I read. However I need to read about it. I have lots of books that I want to read, lots of really hard and complicated books that deal with engaging ideas. The world is full of dreariness and boredom, disappointment and accidie. Lifting heavy, and reading deep seem to be my only form of escape.
Perhaps I'll end up as some mid 20s guy with a big chest and bulging arms, with a lot of knowledge about intellectual history and decision theory with a distinct sense of despair. Maybe that looks sexy, but it feels dreadful. I feel pretty dreadful. My body is going through a lot of abuse with all this weight training. I use a lot of hate when I pump. I guess it helps because I'm full of disappointment, and it has to go somewhere.
I find that this post is surprisingly more articulate than I would have expected. I feel that I've not written about my feelings properly in a few weeks. Let's move onwards. I've got a lot to do today.
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