numbness is just numb

Dear Diary,

4 job applications, a bit of catching up and a blood test. Overall I would feel that was a good result. I also did some reading, finished off some outstanding Greader blogs, a little bit of job searching and a touch of potential networking. I even jerked off for a bit. My neck is still sore as heck today so I'm giving training a miss. I have badminton to look forward to tomorrow, I've eaten a fuckload today and I've done a bit of procrastinating.

I suppose I've picked up a pace that I can smile at. There's always more to do, but for now its okay. I've got tomorrow as a day where I can plough through more applications, but the next couple of days after will not be an option, because I'm working both evenings. I think that I'll try to do a morning gym session during those days to vary things a bit. I've set a plan to visit my sister over the weekend and that fills a nice amount of time to space out the monotony of my life.

I feel very numb inside. I feel devoid of thoughts and motivation. I'm only doing things because lampe is telling me to. This numbness is good and bad. I'm trying to live in the present, even though my present is pretty fucking shit right now. I've thought about killing myself briefly a couple of times today, maybe just on a sort of casual and non serious way. It would be nice to just die, though. I wish I killed myself 6 years ago. The me of the past knew this would happen. I've disappointed him by living.