overdue january reflections

Dear Diary,

It's 1am, I've paced everything out, and I've basically spent January saying 'oh I'm so behind!' and in fairness, I have genuinely been behind, one week was because of internet, the other week was half because of internet and prepping for a big interview, this week just passed was about that interview and the backlog from having no internet, and the first week was about getting over new years. Christmas is long behind us now, and it's probably very near in subjective time when Christmas comes again. Life seems to go quickly, and feels like Nietzsche's eternal reoccurrence, the only thing that changes in this immortal cycle is that I get older, more people die, and I'm not really immortal: I die.

I'm catching up on blogs at the moment. I probably shouldn't say this but I met one of my blogging heroes, in the most unlikely of circumstances as well. I thought it wasn't appropriate to go all fanboy, who knows, maybe this was in some gay sauna while I was being fisted (it wasn't). Anyway, sometimes you need to realise that people you admire are also real people, and they poop, perspire and have other things to do. I got emotionally thrown by that, seeing this person in another context, but I suppose that shows how much of a fan I am. I've been blogging (on my professional blog) lately, catching up on the world, and catching up on my tasks. I have successfully saved a massive backlog and now I have time to reflect.

This week I haven't met many of my targets, job applications in particular. I have however, engaged with 2 interviews, booked a place at a stag party, went to see a film premiere (tl dr story so i wont go into), did a long one at work AFTER my interview and i did 3 days of training. The more I do, the more I realise how lonely I am. What is it exaclty that makes me lonely? I feel that I have few people to share my life with, few people to share my feelings, my experiences, my jokes, my woes. Its more than just sharing my feeelings and my cock (although that's great too).Maybe, in a few years, I might say this was a good week, a week that characterised exactly how active I keep in my life. I am active in my life and there is no denying that.

At the garden today I shared some hot chocolate. I felt it was a nice symbolic gesture, and most of all I found that they really enjoyed it in the snow, oh yeah I forgot to mention it's started to snow since last night and today has been beautiful. My book review has been published (yay), and although I can't to everything at once, I am making a good effort at maximin. I'm really lonely, with all my activity and all my thoughts, I have few people to share it with. I think that's the curse of having so many interests. I have friends that I can airsoft wtih and hold guns and pose with in a horse mask, and I have my new choir people, the garden people, my family and badminton buddies or even the people I enjoy working with.

I need to think to myself that I am on the cusp of a great inner and outer change. All this activity is going to a certain point, a certain outcome. Its nice to feel tired sometimes, because it means I don't have to think, and subsequently it also means I don't have to feel. I enjoy reading all these blogs and catching up however, because as I read about other people's lives, I live through my sympathy of them, I feel for them and experiecne them. I'm recently reading Gibbon's 'Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire', and I find great interest in the exotic and diverse situtations of the Roman History.

That reminds me, I need to follow up my emails and facebook messages. My friend who is divorcing messaged me, for instance. She's doing better lately, I'm really glad for her.

Back to 'work'